Almost ready...

I am making good progress with the book I am going to follow for my cleansing diet. I have been out to buy some "magic foods" - the blue foods which contain amazing antioxidents & healthy quantities of vitamins & minerals, such as blue berries, blackberries, strawberries & beetroot juice...

I have dug out some of the dietry shakes which were recommended to me some time ago, which are low in fat & contain little to no dairy, but which have vitamin complexes which will support me & give me energy while I am trying to adjust my diet. I remember having great success with these a couple of years ago, when I gained energy from having a magic berry shake with this added for breakfast. It not only helped me feel full & suppressed my false appetite (which is due to the insulin resistance which causes blood sugar levels not to register properly) but also gave me added energy which I need to be more active & when keeping up with young children!

I did break down tonight & eat chocolate... It was just one bag of m&ms but it was a big bag... I used to binge a lot. Does anyone else do that? I imagine it's a bit like bulemic binge eating - anything & everything you desire - & then purging, only I don't purge. Partly because I hate throwing up & partly because I feel like that's cheating (& I don't want to ruin my teeth) so I feel gross & sick & swear I'll never, ever binge eat again...

In the past I've done this with all sorts of foods. Back in the day my favourite things to binge on were Twisties, family size blocks of Cadbury's chocolate (the Australian version), Camembert or Brie cheeses (a whole wedge or a small wheel), any cheese really... ice cream - especially the real vanilla version with the visible vanilla seeds from the pod, sugary drinks, milky drinks, alcoholic drinks (although getting drunk was never part of the plan...) Snakes Alive, Fantails, Tim Tams (sometimes as a slam with coffee), Kingston biscuits, salami or other manufactured, hand made sausages or luncheon meats..

It's really rather pathetic reading that list, but I am really, really trying to be honest, & I don't think this is something I've ever discussed before. I feel disgusting & slightly sick just reading that list, but I also feel somehow liberated to admit that I've done this... time & again! Always promising myself, as I stocked up on forbidden treats & indulgent quantities of favourite foods, that it was one last hurrah before I started a diet in earnest... It never really was. I am very honest with everyone, but myself. I never, ever intentionally tell a lie, except where my own health or happiness is concerned. I know it has to stop.

Anyway - I am facing up to my faults & failings & hope in naming them & bringing them out in the open I can avoid them. If I am tempted to go out & buy ready mixed icing or Kraft peanut butter with the intention of spooning it straight from the jar & eating the lot, hopefully I will read this blog & remember how sickly I feel when I do so...

I am also looking to get some further counselling. I had a great series of sessions in 2010-2011 soon after my Mother passed away. It helped enormously, but I have still been through a lot more since then, believing I was going to die, or at least end up on the street, but relying on the kindness & charity of others instead & finally finding the strength to get back into a normal life again. It is not an exaggeration to put it in those terms... The depression which I went through is difficult to explain, but depression is not about feeling down or being sad or crying a lot... it's not even about the dark, heavy, suffocating world you believe you live in... it's about not seeing a way through. It's about not being able to envisage things getting better or how to get to the next stage in your life. I couldn't imagine how I would pay for food, or rent, or how I would get strong enough to work again... I sometimes couldn't be inspired enough to walk downstairs & have a shower, because I wasn't going to see anyone or do anything which required me to be that clean so why spend the energy on washing my self & my hair? Depression does pass, though... it takes strength & a belief that things are going to get better, but you will make it better, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility! It's also true that you rarely realise how depressed you are when in the grip of a bout of it... but part of the healing process is looking back & knowing how far you've come. Now that I recognise I've come through a very difficult time, especially when I am so far from home, from family & friends, & especially given that some friends just didn't have it in them to be there for me, even long distance (which is sad, but something I am slowly coming to terms with) I know it's time to sit down & reassess where I am with some professional guidance... I am looking forward to understanding myself better & learning how to help myself become stronger & healthier through taking care of my mental health as well as my physical & spiritual health...

Return to the blog...

Wow! Look at at that! A whole year on...

I just didn't have the heart to write about self-improvement when I was struggling just to make ends meet. My weight went up & down & up again as I comfort ate my way through 4 house-moves & the stress of what to do when one situation failed & another was miserable for me. I loved working with CJ & MJ, the boys whom I cared for in 2012, & who are still very precious to me! I really loved their parents, especially Kathy who is one of those rare people who lives by the compassion & action that Jesus showed us... time & again she has said the right thing, or done something, put wheels in motion for me just when I most needed it. I count her a very precious friend & feel so very blessed to have her in my life. The boys also continue to fill me with joy & I love the opportunities to spend time with them, either visiting, catching up for a meal or babysitting when their new nanny is not available.

I love my new boys, JJ who is 4 years old & his little brother AJ who turned 20 months today. They are bright, alert, creative, fun, funny, challenging, talkative... all the things you'd expect of pre-schoolers! I am constantly exhausted at the end of the day. Living with a family again is something I appreciate more now that I've done the "live out" option for over 12 months... London is expensive & the impact of living with someone who didn't want me there, just wanted the rental income, was brutal. I now love my little room, under the roofline, with the shelves & wardrobe built in to suit me, the TV bought for my entertainment & a family I love & feel completely at ease with..

I am making regular payments & inroads into the debts which have been eating away at my sanity & my soul, making sleep difficult & life a nightmare at times... it is impossible to overstate the stress which comes of inadequate income & demanding debtors... No wonder I comfort ate myself to almost 100kg. Not something I am proud of, but something I need to aknowlege, forgive myself for & move forward.

I weighed myself & had an analysis of my body fat yesterday. The results were pretty shocking. 98.0 kg (although last time I weighed myself I was 99.8 which was really a shock!) My body mass index (BMI) is 35.6 which is very overweight (although the national average is 33.2, a good BMI is 29), My body fat is 44.5% of my overall weight!! That is really horrific as far as I am concerned! If I lost most of my body fat I would weigh just over 50kg, but a safe, healthy weight for me would be between 50.9 & 68.8... I think at this stage I'd be thrilled to get down to the 70s for the first time in over 2 decades...

Clearly I do need to take stock anew & get more excersise into my life, reduce sugar & fats in my diet & reduce the quantities I am consuming...

I'll keep you updated.

Back from the brink...

If you were one of the lovely people who subscribed to my blog when I first started it, then I must appologise for keeping silent for so long... Soon after I wrote the first couple of entries & found myself on a downward spiral, as first my health was under scrutiny & I was scared more than I admitted as a cardiologist described my stumbled-upon symptoms as "sinister", then I was fired (due to the possibility that I had a heart condition) & that meant I lost my home (due to the fact that I was a live-in nanny). I had 12 days to move out & then I was without an income or a space of my own... To top it all off I had almost no money due to a problem with my salary, & a recent holiday (which had been booked almost a year earlier).

Thankfully I have some amazing friends & family who gave me a place to sleep, sometimes for a week or more at a time. I cannot thank Siobhan, Annie & Michelle, Bridie, Steve & Elly, Nicci, Wendy & Frank, Rebecca & Naomi & my amazing, new-found friend, Amanda as well as Sheilah & D'artagnion (the Welsh Springer Spaniel). I have also been house-sitting & looking after the gorgeous Working Cockerspaniel, Lucca, for Leeanne & Brett, Bella & Bashi while they've been away, which has been an absolute blessing! I have also had friends who have been there for me, keeping me in their prayers & generally helping me to focus on what's important & offering support. Way too many to list, but I will say that without the support of Paula, Katherine, Sally & Simon I would have been finding life even more difficult, & Ali, Russell, Claire & David have been wonderful friends! I cannot stay "down" when I am so blessed with the friends in my life.

I have had so many tests & have been poked & prodded, scanned & dosed with beta-blockers & finally, on 23rd December, I was told that my heart is notably healthy! The arteries around my heart were described as "very, very healthy" & there are no defects or signs of scarring or fibroids, & as far as my heart health is concerned I have a full, long life ahead of me! Terrific! In he mean time beta blockers have slowed my heart rate, & reduced the incidence of VT (ventricular tachycardia) which worried them so much, as well as the ectopic heartbeats (which I've been aware of for many years & which are benign).

I am also starting a new job on 3rd January... I am really looking forward to doing what I love again! This time I shall be working part time, 30 hours a week, with two great boys, a 10 year old & a 7 year old... I shall have access to a Ford Fiesta, which is a great car & having driven it a few times already I am comfortable behind the wheel & find the London traffic in the area is similar to driving in Canterbury or Hawthorn (suburbs of Melbourne for those not familiar with my home town), but I don't have to "dodge" trams!!

I must admit that while I have been unemployed & "homeless" I have been pretty depressed. I have felt helpless & somewhat paralysed when it comes to taking action. During the last 3+ months I've not claimed benefits, although I would have definitely been entitled to them... I have not follwed up on things which might have brought in some extra money & I have found it difficult to communicate with people who mean a lot to me. I have really had to make myself write messages to people on facebook but I have been really disliking myself & finding it difficult to cope with even the littlest setbacks. Feeling oversensitive about criticism, hurt at the slightest thing... I've tried writing emails to people but I don't trust my ability to express anything emotional without it being open to misinterpretation - so I've stuck with generally cheerful comments on people's facebook pages & profiles... all of which are genuine, but also which mask a deep down sense that I am a failure & that if people knew everything about me they couldn't like me... that is the true nature of depression, though.

Anyway - it's a new year... I have a good health report & I have a new job! I am looking forward to new challenges, finding a flatshare or a studio/bedsit to call home... I am looking forward to getting my phone reconnected, my bills paid & looking for ways to earn extra money. I am looking forward to starting study for the first time in 20 years & I am really looking forward to renewing my committment to exploring various ways of improving myself & my prospects.

Wishing you all a safe & happy 2012, filled with achievement & blessings. 

Thank you, already!

I'm only 3 days into this new blog & already people are following me & are either commenting on my posts, or leaving me messages on facebook!

Mostly folk are saying "good on you!" which is so very appreciated! I think it will help me stay on the "straight & narrow" knowing that folk are reading & keeping up to date with what I am doing... I hadn't thought about "being accountable" when I started this blog... it was much more about the thought process I was going through & how best to keep a record of my pondering & (hopefully) progress, but now that I know there are people following my blog & sending me messages I feel a little more "duty bound" to do my best! I know I'll mess up some days... (today was warm & humid & I had no energy... & I haven't even officially started this lifestyle change, yet!) but there will be days I am so proud of myself! I have to be honest & record the "ooops" events as well as the "hooray!" moments!

One thing that I could not have foreseen is that my wonderful friend, Bridie, phoned me up last night & asked to join me in the Race for Life! I am so thrilled that she will be walking with me! Bridie's mother is a breast cancer survivor & Bridie knew my Mum well... So wonderful to know I'll be doing this with a wonderful friend by my side, Babe! Thank you so much!

Anyway - excersize today... ummmm... we walked around the block (albeit at 'Decca pace')... & then we... uh... Oh yeah! We walked to the chemist, the health food shop & back home (also at 'Decca pace')... & if you count the fact that I went down & up the stairs to the laundry (in our cellar) about 20 times today that's the sum of my excersize!

I did eat healthily... until I ate all those nachos with rather delicious humous this evening! The humous was organic & fresh from the health food shop... the nachos were gross-cheese-burger-flavoured so that was not a good move!

*sigh* Hopefully I'll remember that next time...

Why now?

So, why now? It's been a massive year or two of change for me... at times I've felt empowered & happy & enjoying life, but at others it's been a huge struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, not to mention dealing with grief, intense, long-haul flights, changing jobs, moving, the end of a serious relationship & all that this entailed... I have managed, during this time, not to give in to depression (a very real risk with all that was going on) & to remain positive, a good nanny & a growing & learning individual. I have even lost some weight!


While trying to lose weight, partly through changing my diet to exclude gluten, I have also been trying to feel better about myself & my mental self-image has been altered quite a bit... Having 12 weeks of couselling has helped me more than I can express, or even more than I am fully aware of at present! I have learned so much about my perception of my place in the world during the last 4 months, than I think I have in the last 40 years! It's interesting that without intentionally doing so, I have changed my wardrobe quite a bit, started wearing make up for the first time in years, & have more energy & impetus to go out & do new things! I have made new friends, sometimes in unexpected places, & I am really enjoying my life!

I have been trying out the "relationship website" eHarmony, but to date I have not connected with anyone whom I have felt an immediate spark, so I am thinking of giving that a break... it's an interesting process, & one I respect, but sometimes difficult & not a very natural one. I am not disliking it, but I just feel I need to focus on other aspects of myself & hope that a relationship will follow...

I have moved in with a lovely family, with whom I have a terrific rapport! The reason for leaving my gorgeous Zachary & his family was a good one - the arrival of a new baby, Sienna Rose, who is as gorgeous, delightful & wonderful to spend time with as her big brother (& even better behaved than he was as a baby)! Their lovely Mummy is taking an extended time to enjoy motherhood & I couldn't be more thrilled for them! My new family are laid back, busy, warm, relaxed, intelligent, artistic & have the most adorable & delightful little girl whom I love! It's partly through chating with Carolyn, the Mummy, that I have thought about changing aspects of my lifestyle to invest in better health & self-esteem. Carolyn is very open to alternative medicinal approaches, & very much enjoys good, healthy foods. She & I were talking about "life coaching" for each other, & whilst she is a very attractive, slim & fashionable lady who doesn't need any "coaching" I am learning a lot from living with her & without realising it, I am becoming more confident in several areas of my life! (fashion & "styling" being just a part of it!)

Me with the beautiful, 9-week-old, Sienna Rose, born 4th May.

This next week we  are going away for a break, so it will be the 3 adults - Mummy, Carolyn; Daddy, Alex & I - with the little Decca Doll, & perhaps we'll indulge a bit, or perhaps we'll walk a lot & do plenty of different things, or perhaps we'll have lots of rain & stay indoors a lot! (It's a British summer, after all) & then, I am off to celebrate the marriage of my 2nd cousin, Ben & his gorgeous fiancee, Lyndsay, up in Lancashire. Carolyn & I are determined to start afresh on the following Monday by taking stock of the foods we keep in the house, what we eat, drink, how much we excersize, & how we think about the world! I am really looking forward to this & I'm reading various cookery, lifestyle & alternaive medicine books, as well as finding out about physical activities I can join in with in the local area...

Self portrait taken during the Race for Life, last May...

I am also walking as much as I can, in preparation for the Race For Life coming up in 3 weeks on Clapham Common. I am walking in memory of my beautiful Mother, Joan Helena Small, whom we lost from this life last September. The cancer which took her was agressive & horrible & I don't want others to suffer the loss of their own beloved family member the way we lost our wonderful Mummy! I am also walking for my amazing Auntie, Jean Stagg, who fought breast cancer, went into remission, then had a reoccurance of cancer, this time in her lungs & bones, & fought it - living life every day - for 18 months until she passed away just 2 weeks after Easter this year. She & I were also close & it's been a blow losing her so soon after Mum. If anyone wishes to sponsor me in this worthwhilte cause, online donations can be attributed to my efforts at: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/meredithsmall1108?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=newsfeed&utm_campaign=editpage  If you're a UK taxpayer you can also chose to "gift aid" your contribution which allows the charity to claim a further amount in a tax break from the government,

With my gorgeous cousin, Siobhan, after the Race for Life, last May

Anyway - while I prepare for this & ponder my reasoning, and perhaps my sanity, I shall try to keep you up to date... A migraine last night left me feeling not-so-much like walking today, but I'll see how I fare later in the afternoon!

Thank you for joining me! ~Mem x x x

Ready...

I have been thinking a lot (& talking quite a bit) about making changes in my life... at almost 44 years of age, I live like I am in my 20s, am financially irresponsible, overweight & single, but for all that I am generally happy... I have a job I love, live with a family I love, have some wonderful friends, enjoy photography, living in London & the little things in life that make it sweet! Most of all I have friends & family around the globe without whom I wouldn't be the person I am today, & I want to be a better person so I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, auntie, cousin & confidant to them!

So many wonderful people & opportunities in my life!

Having said that, I realise I need to make some changes & I hope to do so, & to plot my course here on my blog... I guess the first step was creating this profile on which I shall do my best to be honest about my challenges, observations & hopes! I am sure I'll fail sometimes, but I shall also win from time to time & that will be great!

Anyway - if you're up for some unique observations on my life... join me!