Back from the brink...

If you were one of the lovely people who subscribed to my blog when I first started it, then I must appologise for keeping silent for so long... Soon after I wrote the first couple of entries & found myself on a downward spiral, as first my health was under scrutiny & I was scared more than I admitted as a cardiologist described my stumbled-upon symptoms as "sinister", then I was fired (due to the possibility that I had a heart condition) & that meant I lost my home (due to the fact that I was a live-in nanny). I had 12 days to move out & then I was without an income or a space of my own... To top it all off I had almost no money due to a problem with my salary, & a recent holiday (which had been booked almost a year earlier).

Thankfully I have some amazing friends & family who gave me a place to sleep, sometimes for a week or more at a time. I cannot thank Siobhan, Annie & Michelle, Bridie, Steve & Elly, Nicci, Wendy & Frank, Rebecca & Naomi & my amazing, new-found friend, Amanda as well as Sheilah & D'artagnion (the Welsh Springer Spaniel). I have also been house-sitting & looking after the gorgeous Working Cockerspaniel, Lucca, for Leeanne & Brett, Bella & Bashi while they've been away, which has been an absolute blessing! I have also had friends who have been there for me, keeping me in their prayers & generally helping me to focus on what's important & offering support. Way too many to list, but I will say that without the support of Paula, Katherine, Sally & Simon I would have been finding life even more difficult, & Ali, Russell, Claire & David have been wonderful friends! I cannot stay "down" when I am so blessed with the friends in my life.

I have had so many tests & have been poked & prodded, scanned & dosed with beta-blockers & finally, on 23rd December, I was told that my heart is notably healthy! The arteries around my heart were described as "very, very healthy" & there are no defects or signs of scarring or fibroids, & as far as my heart health is concerned I have a full, long life ahead of me! Terrific! In he mean time beta blockers have slowed my heart rate, & reduced the incidence of VT (ventricular tachycardia) which worried them so much, as well as the ectopic heartbeats (which I've been aware of for many years & which are benign).

I am also starting a new job on 3rd January... I am really looking forward to doing what I love again! This time I shall be working part time, 30 hours a week, with two great boys, a 10 year old & a 7 year old... I shall have access to a Ford Fiesta, which is a great car & having driven it a few times already I am comfortable behind the wheel & find the London traffic in the area is similar to driving in Canterbury or Hawthorn (suburbs of Melbourne for those not familiar with my home town), but I don't have to "dodge" trams!!

I must admit that while I have been unemployed & "homeless" I have been pretty depressed. I have felt helpless & somewhat paralysed when it comes to taking action. During the last 3+ months I've not claimed benefits, although I would have definitely been entitled to them... I have not follwed up on things which might have brought in some extra money & I have found it difficult to communicate with people who mean a lot to me. I have really had to make myself write messages to people on facebook but I have been really disliking myself & finding it difficult to cope with even the littlest setbacks. Feeling oversensitive about criticism, hurt at the slightest thing... I've tried writing emails to people but I don't trust my ability to express anything emotional without it being open to misinterpretation - so I've stuck with generally cheerful comments on people's facebook pages & profiles... all of which are genuine, but also which mask a deep down sense that I am a failure & that if people knew everything about me they couldn't like me... that is the true nature of depression, though.

Anyway - it's a new year... I have a good health report & I have a new job! I am looking forward to new challenges, finding a flatshare or a studio/bedsit to call home... I am looking forward to getting my phone reconnected, my bills paid & looking for ways to earn extra money. I am looking forward to starting study for the first time in 20 years & I am really looking forward to renewing my committment to exploring various ways of improving myself & my prospects.

Wishing you all a safe & happy 2012, filled with achievement & blessings. 

Why now?

So, why now? It's been a massive year or two of change for me... at times I've felt empowered & happy & enjoying life, but at others it's been a huge struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, not to mention dealing with grief, intense, long-haul flights, changing jobs, moving, the end of a serious relationship & all that this entailed... I have managed, during this time, not to give in to depression (a very real risk with all that was going on) & to remain positive, a good nanny & a growing & learning individual. I have even lost some weight!


While trying to lose weight, partly through changing my diet to exclude gluten, I have also been trying to feel better about myself & my mental self-image has been altered quite a bit... Having 12 weeks of couselling has helped me more than I can express, or even more than I am fully aware of at present! I have learned so much about my perception of my place in the world during the last 4 months, than I think I have in the last 40 years! It's interesting that without intentionally doing so, I have changed my wardrobe quite a bit, started wearing make up for the first time in years, & have more energy & impetus to go out & do new things! I have made new friends, sometimes in unexpected places, & I am really enjoying my life!

I have been trying out the "relationship website" eHarmony, but to date I have not connected with anyone whom I have felt an immediate spark, so I am thinking of giving that a break... it's an interesting process, & one I respect, but sometimes difficult & not a very natural one. I am not disliking it, but I just feel I need to focus on other aspects of myself & hope that a relationship will follow...

I have moved in with a lovely family, with whom I have a terrific rapport! The reason for leaving my gorgeous Zachary & his family was a good one - the arrival of a new baby, Sienna Rose, who is as gorgeous, delightful & wonderful to spend time with as her big brother (& even better behaved than he was as a baby)! Their lovely Mummy is taking an extended time to enjoy motherhood & I couldn't be more thrilled for them! My new family are laid back, busy, warm, relaxed, intelligent, artistic & have the most adorable & delightful little girl whom I love! It's partly through chating with Carolyn, the Mummy, that I have thought about changing aspects of my lifestyle to invest in better health & self-esteem. Carolyn is very open to alternative medicinal approaches, & very much enjoys good, healthy foods. She & I were talking about "life coaching" for each other, & whilst she is a very attractive, slim & fashionable lady who doesn't need any "coaching" I am learning a lot from living with her & without realising it, I am becoming more confident in several areas of my life! (fashion & "styling" being just a part of it!)

Me with the beautiful, 9-week-old, Sienna Rose, born 4th May.

This next week we  are going away for a break, so it will be the 3 adults - Mummy, Carolyn; Daddy, Alex & I - with the little Decca Doll, & perhaps we'll indulge a bit, or perhaps we'll walk a lot & do plenty of different things, or perhaps we'll have lots of rain & stay indoors a lot! (It's a British summer, after all) & then, I am off to celebrate the marriage of my 2nd cousin, Ben & his gorgeous fiancee, Lyndsay, up in Lancashire. Carolyn & I are determined to start afresh on the following Monday by taking stock of the foods we keep in the house, what we eat, drink, how much we excersize, & how we think about the world! I am really looking forward to this & I'm reading various cookery, lifestyle & alternaive medicine books, as well as finding out about physical activities I can join in with in the local area...

Self portrait taken during the Race for Life, last May...

I am also walking as much as I can, in preparation for the Race For Life coming up in 3 weeks on Clapham Common. I am walking in memory of my beautiful Mother, Joan Helena Small, whom we lost from this life last September. The cancer which took her was agressive & horrible & I don't want others to suffer the loss of their own beloved family member the way we lost our wonderful Mummy! I am also walking for my amazing Auntie, Jean Stagg, who fought breast cancer, went into remission, then had a reoccurance of cancer, this time in her lungs & bones, & fought it - living life every day - for 18 months until she passed away just 2 weeks after Easter this year. She & I were also close & it's been a blow losing her so soon after Mum. If anyone wishes to sponsor me in this worthwhilte cause, online donations can be attributed to my efforts at: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/meredithsmall1108?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=newsfeed&utm_campaign=editpage  If you're a UK taxpayer you can also chose to "gift aid" your contribution which allows the charity to claim a further amount in a tax break from the government,

With my gorgeous cousin, Siobhan, after the Race for Life, last May

Anyway - while I prepare for this & ponder my reasoning, and perhaps my sanity, I shall try to keep you up to date... A migraine last night left me feeling not-so-much like walking today, but I'll see how I fare later in the afternoon!

Thank you for joining me! ~Mem x x x

Ready...

I have been thinking a lot (& talking quite a bit) about making changes in my life... at almost 44 years of age, I live like I am in my 20s, am financially irresponsible, overweight & single, but for all that I am generally happy... I have a job I love, live with a family I love, have some wonderful friends, enjoy photography, living in London & the little things in life that make it sweet! Most of all I have friends & family around the globe without whom I wouldn't be the person I am today, & I want to be a better person so I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, auntie, cousin & confidant to them!

So many wonderful people & opportunities in my life!

Having said that, I realise I need to make some changes & I hope to do so, & to plot my course here on my blog... I guess the first step was creating this profile on which I shall do my best to be honest about my challenges, observations & hopes! I am sure I'll fail sometimes, but I shall also win from time to time & that will be great!

Anyway - if you're up for some unique observations on my life... join me!