Almost ready...

I am making good progress with the book I am going to follow for my cleansing diet. I have been out to buy some "magic foods" - the blue foods which contain amazing antioxidents & healthy quantities of vitamins & minerals, such as blue berries, blackberries, strawberries & beetroot juice...

I have dug out some of the dietry shakes which were recommended to me some time ago, which are low in fat & contain little to no dairy, but which have vitamin complexes which will support me & give me energy while I am trying to adjust my diet. I remember having great success with these a couple of years ago, when I gained energy from having a magic berry shake with this added for breakfast. It not only helped me feel full & suppressed my false appetite (which is due to the insulin resistance which causes blood sugar levels not to register properly) but also gave me added energy which I need to be more active & when keeping up with young children!

I did break down tonight & eat chocolate... It was just one bag of m&ms but it was a big bag... I used to binge a lot. Does anyone else do that? I imagine it's a bit like bulemic binge eating - anything & everything you desire - & then purging, only I don't purge. Partly because I hate throwing up & partly because I feel like that's cheating (& I don't want to ruin my teeth) so I feel gross & sick & swear I'll never, ever binge eat again...

In the past I've done this with all sorts of foods. Back in the day my favourite things to binge on were Twisties, family size blocks of Cadbury's chocolate (the Australian version), Camembert or Brie cheeses (a whole wedge or a small wheel), any cheese really... ice cream - especially the real vanilla version with the visible vanilla seeds from the pod, sugary drinks, milky drinks, alcoholic drinks (although getting drunk was never part of the plan...) Snakes Alive, Fantails, Tim Tams (sometimes as a slam with coffee), Kingston biscuits, salami or other manufactured, hand made sausages or luncheon meats..

It's really rather pathetic reading that list, but I am really, really trying to be honest, & I don't think this is something I've ever discussed before. I feel disgusting & slightly sick just reading that list, but I also feel somehow liberated to admit that I've done this... time & again! Always promising myself, as I stocked up on forbidden treats & indulgent quantities of favourite foods, that it was one last hurrah before I started a diet in earnest... It never really was. I am very honest with everyone, but myself. I never, ever intentionally tell a lie, except where my own health or happiness is concerned. I know it has to stop.

Anyway - I am facing up to my faults & failings & hope in naming them & bringing them out in the open I can avoid them. If I am tempted to go out & buy ready mixed icing or Kraft peanut butter with the intention of spooning it straight from the jar & eating the lot, hopefully I will read this blog & remember how sickly I feel when I do so...

I am also looking to get some further counselling. I had a great series of sessions in 2010-2011 soon after my Mother passed away. It helped enormously, but I have still been through a lot more since then, believing I was going to die, or at least end up on the street, but relying on the kindness & charity of others instead & finally finding the strength to get back into a normal life again. It is not an exaggeration to put it in those terms... The depression which I went through is difficult to explain, but depression is not about feeling down or being sad or crying a lot... it's not even about the dark, heavy, suffocating world you believe you live in... it's about not seeing a way through. It's about not being able to envisage things getting better or how to get to the next stage in your life. I couldn't imagine how I would pay for food, or rent, or how I would get strong enough to work again... I sometimes couldn't be inspired enough to walk downstairs & have a shower, because I wasn't going to see anyone or do anything which required me to be that clean so why spend the energy on washing my self & my hair? Depression does pass, though... it takes strength & a belief that things are going to get better, but you will make it better, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility! It's also true that you rarely realise how depressed you are when in the grip of a bout of it... but part of the healing process is looking back & knowing how far you've come. Now that I recognise I've come through a very difficult time, especially when I am so far from home, from family & friends, & especially given that some friends just didn't have it in them to be there for me, even long distance (which is sad, but something I am slowly coming to terms with) I know it's time to sit down & reassess where I am with some professional guidance... I am looking forward to understanding myself better & learning how to help myself become stronger & healthier through taking care of my mental health as well as my physical & spiritual health...

Another fun Fact you might not know about me #8

I was raised to believe that an open bathroom door was really vulgar, & to this day I really find an open toilet door disgusting. In addition I was raised to lower the lid, so forget any debate about seats... there's a lid for a reason & you need to close it, people! End of! 

 I also dislike people putting toilet paper on the roll back-to-front... yes, there is a correct way to face TP & it always is rolled over & towards you... rolled towards the wall is silly & wrong! Yes - I realise these rules combine to create toilet etiquette OCD, but I HAVE to live by them!!

More you might not know about me #5

One of my (irrational) OCD things is to peel labels off things once they've been purchased... I cannot leave a price tag, sticker or advertising label on something either I, or someone else I live with/visit/happen to know, have bought... If you ever check out my book shelves or DVDs, CDs or anything of mine it will not have a price tag on it... Why? Because it's no longer for sale!!! Nor does it need a sticker with "bonus track" or "shortlisted for the Booker Prize" stuck to it... it doesn't need anything on it to promote it's sale because I already bought it!!! OK?

Fun fact you might not know about me #2

I eat m&ms in colour order from darkest to lightest... I have done this for many, many years, maybe as long as m&ms have been in my life! I have tried to work out why I do so, & the only thing I can think of is that I also eat jelly beans in order of my favourite flavours. I dislike the black ones badly, so I usually start by giving them to someone who'll appreciate them (aniseed... Blegh!) then go to purple & so on through to my favourite which is white! For some reason they are delicious! (not even sure what their flavour is, but it might be vanilla-ish...) 

Fun fact you might not know about me #1

After working in retail for over 10 years (while I was also an unemployed actress) I still "face up" my bank notes in my purse... I also keep them in order from the lowest denomination in front to the highest in the back... there's usually little difference between them, however, as I rarely have any "big notes" in my purse! British ones are easiest to face up, as we have HM Queen Elizabeth II on one side of each note! (above photo: British bank notes)

above: Australian polymer bank notes - traditionally the smallest denomination features the reigning monarch on it's face. The other notes feature Australians who are considered to have furthered the development of the nation.

above: Euro bank notes... the highest denomination I have ever held is a 50 Euro note.