Why I'm Not Really Missing Firefly

I know many of my friends will be shocked at that title... I mean, think about it! Firefly!!! How could I not miss it? Anyone who really knows me... actually anyone who barely knows me... Oh heck - total strangers know the depth of my love for Joss Whedon's band of Big Damn Heroes and the 'verse they inhabit. I have at least a dozen T-shirts, maybe 50 badges, a 76th Uniform, a Kaylee costume & a beautiful Jayne Hat! I know the words to The Hero of Canton inside out and back to front and have seen every episode and the film more times than I can remember... I get so excited when I meet a fellow-browncoat and I stand by my opinion that this was the greatest TV series ever to reach the small screen...

But why would I say, then, that I don't really miss it?

Well, for one thing, I can watch it whenever I want...

I mean, we have at least 2 copies of the full TV series on DVD in our home at any given time! We have Netflix on our TV, computers and iPhones which means we can watch in any room of the house, and even when we're on the road... (well, not if we're physically driving at the time - I'm not that addicted!)

What else keeps the fire burning?

I first watched this TV show back in June 2006 and by the end of the month I was chatting online with new people every day! I made immediate friends with whom I felt a connection - we were all intelligent (well either that or pretty good at bluffing... I won't tell you which I am) and we were imaginative as well. We loved the vision which Joss Whedon shared of a dystopian future where the central planets had all the money, power and technology, but those living on the rim were living in as basic a way as the early pioneers of America, Australia and so many other non-European countries where "civilisation" came with a price for both the natives and the newcomers...

We all fell for the complex characters which Joss had written for us and which a wonderful cast brought to life. Having watched the pilot episode (a double ep called, unsurprisingly, "Serenity") again last night I was struck with how comfortable and established every character seemed in their role... The charisma of the actors came through - the awkward "denial" of Mal & Inara, the relaxed, second nature love of Zoe & Wash, the sibling protectiveness & closeness of Simon and River... It is all there right from the beginning... That is rare in any TV series. If you don't believe me, go and watch "Encounter at Farpoint" - the pilot and first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. The characters were fleshed out over the series, the stories became more complex and the actors more comfortable with one another - but the writing, direction and vision of that first show was pretty underwhelming - and I say that as someone who loves that incarnation of the Trek universe!

We all fell for the film, too - although someone very nearly gave me a spoiler right in the early days... I later realised a reference made online would have given me an inkling of the outcome for at least one character, had I not been so naive about Joss's tendency to- *ahem* ...but I must not continue, lest I become guilty of spoiling anyone's experience, myownself.

We all found friends who understood the pain of having seen some perfect television, and yet knowing it was not long for this life... We shared experiences of how we discovered Firefly, where we were in the world, who introduced us to the show, what we planned to do about it's premature demise! We grew to know each other to the point of sharing our lives via the 'net and the phone... I have dated people I first met online and I have grown so close to others that I have stayed with them in their homes and with their families having never met in person before!! I have even become a God mother for the first time because of a close friendship with one of the dearest people in the world - oh, and FYI, she met her husband through the same Firefly Fandom as she met me!

My life is richer for this fandom. My adventures have been more varied and incredible since discovering this TV show, it's film and the many, many fans of my perfect TV show! I cannot say I miss it when it's impact is visible nearly every single day! I still dream of a future where we get to learn more of the stories Joss Whedon had planned for his "big damn heroes" whether that be by animation, film, TV series, comics and visual novels, audio episodes (something like "Big Finish" installments)  or some other way which I cannot even imagine, but I have no doubt Joss could surprise me with!

So here's to my many additional "sisters", "brothers" "Kaylee-clones" and "best friends", here's to the many stories we've enjoyed over and over again, here's to the folk I feel a permanent kinship with because of the magic of Whedon, and the Big Damn Heroes who brought our 'Verse to life!

Where I'm at...

I think I need to reboot my plans to work towards a "new" me, but then again I have made a lot of changes in my life, for various reasons, so I thought I'd share them with you!

The most amazing thing, to me, is that I am in love with the most wonderful man and he loves me, too! Graham has been a friend for almost 5 years now, & we knew each other for 4 years when we finally managed to start dating - after a very delayed 2nd date we made up for lost time, & when my live-in nanny job in London ended at the start of December 2013, I came to stay with him for a few weeks... I did secure and start a new position in January, but it soon became clear that my new employers and I had very different ideas about my role, and conversations didn't resolve anything, so I left after three weeks and returned to Staffordshire where Graham asked me to look locally for a job.

Graham and others encouraged me to put my experience to good use in a new way and after hours of work (with lots of help and support from my lovely man) I applied for a role as a Children's and Family Worker for the Methodist Church in nearby Biddulph. I was so excited when I was offered the job! I actually couldn't think straight for a moment & had to remember to breathe! I love this new role in my life and enjoy the connections I am making and the difference I feel in working for a church I love and respect so much! I am working with some wonderful people and am making friends in the community, both where I work and where I live!

Two of the first people to extend friendship when I first came to live in Stoke-on-Trent were Graham's dear friends, Chris and Katherine, with whom we have spent many wonderful days and nights playing board games, card games, eating great food and sharing some terrific conversations!

My Dad was born & raised in nearby Tunstall (part of Stoke-on-Trent) and it was through his cousins, Bev and Bernard, that I initially met Graham, and when we first started dating they were very encouraging and supportive. I love that I get to spend more time with them as Bev is like a big sister to me and it is so good to have folk who've known me since childhood around, as having grown up on the other side of the world is not that conducive to having life-long-friends you can spend time with.

There are, of course, challenges associated with making such life-changing decisions, and both Graham and I have a lot of hobbies, interests and "stuff"... I am trying to reduce what I have so I can move everything into the home we share, whilst Graham is also trying to sort through his belongings to make more space for those things I currently have in storage. Then there's the working out of our routines, with different ideas of what is "normal" and different tastes, habits and routines. We are finding it so important to talk through everything and not judge. Easier said than done, but I think we're managing to do it more than we don't! I also miss my many friends in London, and the opportunities which living in that amazing city gave me... I especially miss my London Culture Seekers and LOTNA (Sci Fi) friends with whom I spent most weekends pursuing our common love of things like history, architecture, theatre, cider, sci fi, cosplay and so many other things in between!

Graham's family have welcomed me with open arms and I feel such a part of their lives... His gorgeous nephew, Liam, is the cheekiest, brightest boy with wonderfully red hair! I get along very well with Graham's parents, brother and sister-in-law which is so awesome!

I love the skills I am adding to my abilities at work, I love the way I am using my gifts for bringing my faith to many new people and supporting others in their Christian life. I love the opportunities which lie before me and the love and support I have from Graham, family, friends and people I knew from my days contibuting to the life of the Uniting Church in Australia.

I love the things Graham and I share in common, from our love of our Christian faith, science fiction, good drama, comedy, documentaries, intelligent debate, performance & the technicality of productions, music, reading, spending time with friends and family... I love the things I am learning from him and the way he takes an interest in my own love of history, craft and literature.

I love my life and it is ready to take the next step towards loving my body and my own personality more... I might be better than I was, but I know I can take care of myself better and be more able to serve as a lay worker, as a friend, as a family member and as a partner to a wonderful man!

Watch this space!

Back from the brink...

If you were one of the lovely people who subscribed to my blog when I first started it, then I must appologise for keeping silent for so long... Soon after I wrote the first couple of entries & found myself on a downward spiral, as first my health was under scrutiny & I was scared more than I admitted as a cardiologist described my stumbled-upon symptoms as "sinister", then I was fired (due to the possibility that I had a heart condition) & that meant I lost my home (due to the fact that I was a live-in nanny). I had 12 days to move out & then I was without an income or a space of my own... To top it all off I had almost no money due to a problem with my salary, & a recent holiday (which had been booked almost a year earlier).

Thankfully I have some amazing friends & family who gave me a place to sleep, sometimes for a week or more at a time. I cannot thank Siobhan, Annie & Michelle, Bridie, Steve & Elly, Nicci, Wendy & Frank, Rebecca & Naomi & my amazing, new-found friend, Amanda as well as Sheilah & D'artagnion (the Welsh Springer Spaniel). I have also been house-sitting & looking after the gorgeous Working Cockerspaniel, Lucca, for Leeanne & Brett, Bella & Bashi while they've been away, which has been an absolute blessing! I have also had friends who have been there for me, keeping me in their prayers & generally helping me to focus on what's important & offering support. Way too many to list, but I will say that without the support of Paula, Katherine, Sally & Simon I would have been finding life even more difficult, & Ali, Russell, Claire & David have been wonderful friends! I cannot stay "down" when I am so blessed with the friends in my life.

I have had so many tests & have been poked & prodded, scanned & dosed with beta-blockers & finally, on 23rd December, I was told that my heart is notably healthy! The arteries around my heart were described as "very, very healthy" & there are no defects or signs of scarring or fibroids, & as far as my heart health is concerned I have a full, long life ahead of me! Terrific! In he mean time beta blockers have slowed my heart rate, & reduced the incidence of VT (ventricular tachycardia) which worried them so much, as well as the ectopic heartbeats (which I've been aware of for many years & which are benign).

I am also starting a new job on 3rd January... I am really looking forward to doing what I love again! This time I shall be working part time, 30 hours a week, with two great boys, a 10 year old & a 7 year old... I shall have access to a Ford Fiesta, which is a great car & having driven it a few times already I am comfortable behind the wheel & find the London traffic in the area is similar to driving in Canterbury or Hawthorn (suburbs of Melbourne for those not familiar with my home town), but I don't have to "dodge" trams!!

I must admit that while I have been unemployed & "homeless" I have been pretty depressed. I have felt helpless & somewhat paralysed when it comes to taking action. During the last 3+ months I've not claimed benefits, although I would have definitely been entitled to them... I have not follwed up on things which might have brought in some extra money & I have found it difficult to communicate with people who mean a lot to me. I have really had to make myself write messages to people on facebook but I have been really disliking myself & finding it difficult to cope with even the littlest setbacks. Feeling oversensitive about criticism, hurt at the slightest thing... I've tried writing emails to people but I don't trust my ability to express anything emotional without it being open to misinterpretation - so I've stuck with generally cheerful comments on people's facebook pages & profiles... all of which are genuine, but also which mask a deep down sense that I am a failure & that if people knew everything about me they couldn't like me... that is the true nature of depression, though.

Anyway - it's a new year... I have a good health report & I have a new job! I am looking forward to new challenges, finding a flatshare or a studio/bedsit to call home... I am looking forward to getting my phone reconnected, my bills paid & looking for ways to earn extra money. I am looking forward to starting study for the first time in 20 years & I am really looking forward to renewing my committment to exploring various ways of improving myself & my prospects.

Wishing you all a safe & happy 2012, filled with achievement & blessings. 

Thank you, already!

I'm only 3 days into this new blog & already people are following me & are either commenting on my posts, or leaving me messages on facebook!

Mostly folk are saying "good on you!" which is so very appreciated! I think it will help me stay on the "straight & narrow" knowing that folk are reading & keeping up to date with what I am doing... I hadn't thought about "being accountable" when I started this blog... it was much more about the thought process I was going through & how best to keep a record of my pondering & (hopefully) progress, but now that I know there are people following my blog & sending me messages I feel a little more "duty bound" to do my best! I know I'll mess up some days... (today was warm & humid & I had no energy... & I haven't even officially started this lifestyle change, yet!) but there will be days I am so proud of myself! I have to be honest & record the "ooops" events as well as the "hooray!" moments!

One thing that I could not have foreseen is that my wonderful friend, Bridie, phoned me up last night & asked to join me in the Race for Life! I am so thrilled that she will be walking with me! Bridie's mother is a breast cancer survivor & Bridie knew my Mum well... So wonderful to know I'll be doing this with a wonderful friend by my side, Babe! Thank you so much!

Anyway - excersize today... ummmm... we walked around the block (albeit at 'Decca pace')... & then we... uh... Oh yeah! We walked to the chemist, the health food shop & back home (also at 'Decca pace')... & if you count the fact that I went down & up the stairs to the laundry (in our cellar) about 20 times today that's the sum of my excersize!

I did eat healthily... until I ate all those nachos with rather delicious humous this evening! The humous was organic & fresh from the health food shop... the nachos were gross-cheese-burger-flavoured so that was not a good move!

*sigh* Hopefully I'll remember that next time...

Why now?

So, why now? It's been a massive year or two of change for me... at times I've felt empowered & happy & enjoying life, but at others it's been a huge struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, not to mention dealing with grief, intense, long-haul flights, changing jobs, moving, the end of a serious relationship & all that this entailed... I have managed, during this time, not to give in to depression (a very real risk with all that was going on) & to remain positive, a good nanny & a growing & learning individual. I have even lost some weight!


While trying to lose weight, partly through changing my diet to exclude gluten, I have also been trying to feel better about myself & my mental self-image has been altered quite a bit... Having 12 weeks of couselling has helped me more than I can express, or even more than I am fully aware of at present! I have learned so much about my perception of my place in the world during the last 4 months, than I think I have in the last 40 years! It's interesting that without intentionally doing so, I have changed my wardrobe quite a bit, started wearing make up for the first time in years, & have more energy & impetus to go out & do new things! I have made new friends, sometimes in unexpected places, & I am really enjoying my life!

I have been trying out the "relationship website" eHarmony, but to date I have not connected with anyone whom I have felt an immediate spark, so I am thinking of giving that a break... it's an interesting process, & one I respect, but sometimes difficult & not a very natural one. I am not disliking it, but I just feel I need to focus on other aspects of myself & hope that a relationship will follow...

I have moved in with a lovely family, with whom I have a terrific rapport! The reason for leaving my gorgeous Zachary & his family was a good one - the arrival of a new baby, Sienna Rose, who is as gorgeous, delightful & wonderful to spend time with as her big brother (& even better behaved than he was as a baby)! Their lovely Mummy is taking an extended time to enjoy motherhood & I couldn't be more thrilled for them! My new family are laid back, busy, warm, relaxed, intelligent, artistic & have the most adorable & delightful little girl whom I love! It's partly through chating with Carolyn, the Mummy, that I have thought about changing aspects of my lifestyle to invest in better health & self-esteem. Carolyn is very open to alternative medicinal approaches, & very much enjoys good, healthy foods. She & I were talking about "life coaching" for each other, & whilst she is a very attractive, slim & fashionable lady who doesn't need any "coaching" I am learning a lot from living with her & without realising it, I am becoming more confident in several areas of my life! (fashion & "styling" being just a part of it!)

Me with the beautiful, 9-week-old, Sienna Rose, born 4th May.

This next week we  are going away for a break, so it will be the 3 adults - Mummy, Carolyn; Daddy, Alex & I - with the little Decca Doll, & perhaps we'll indulge a bit, or perhaps we'll walk a lot & do plenty of different things, or perhaps we'll have lots of rain & stay indoors a lot! (It's a British summer, after all) & then, I am off to celebrate the marriage of my 2nd cousin, Ben & his gorgeous fiancee, Lyndsay, up in Lancashire. Carolyn & I are determined to start afresh on the following Monday by taking stock of the foods we keep in the house, what we eat, drink, how much we excersize, & how we think about the world! I am really looking forward to this & I'm reading various cookery, lifestyle & alternaive medicine books, as well as finding out about physical activities I can join in with in the local area...

Self portrait taken during the Race for Life, last May...

I am also walking as much as I can, in preparation for the Race For Life coming up in 3 weeks on Clapham Common. I am walking in memory of my beautiful Mother, Joan Helena Small, whom we lost from this life last September. The cancer which took her was agressive & horrible & I don't want others to suffer the loss of their own beloved family member the way we lost our wonderful Mummy! I am also walking for my amazing Auntie, Jean Stagg, who fought breast cancer, went into remission, then had a reoccurance of cancer, this time in her lungs & bones, & fought it - living life every day - for 18 months until she passed away just 2 weeks after Easter this year. She & I were also close & it's been a blow losing her so soon after Mum. If anyone wishes to sponsor me in this worthwhilte cause, online donations can be attributed to my efforts at: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/meredithsmall1108?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=newsfeed&utm_campaign=editpage  If you're a UK taxpayer you can also chose to "gift aid" your contribution which allows the charity to claim a further amount in a tax break from the government,

With my gorgeous cousin, Siobhan, after the Race for Life, last May

Anyway - while I prepare for this & ponder my reasoning, and perhaps my sanity, I shall try to keep you up to date... A migraine last night left me feeling not-so-much like walking today, but I'll see how I fare later in the afternoon!

Thank you for joining me! ~Mem x x x

Ready...

I have been thinking a lot (& talking quite a bit) about making changes in my life... at almost 44 years of age, I live like I am in my 20s, am financially irresponsible, overweight & single, but for all that I am generally happy... I have a job I love, live with a family I love, have some wonderful friends, enjoy photography, living in London & the little things in life that make it sweet! Most of all I have friends & family around the globe without whom I wouldn't be the person I am today, & I want to be a better person so I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, auntie, cousin & confidant to them!

So many wonderful people & opportunities in my life!

Having said that, I realise I need to make some changes & I hope to do so, & to plot my course here on my blog... I guess the first step was creating this profile on which I shall do my best to be honest about my challenges, observations & hopes! I am sure I'll fail sometimes, but I shall also win from time to time & that will be great!

Anyway - if you're up for some unique observations on my life... join me!