Almost ready...

I am making good progress with the book I am going to follow for my cleansing diet. I have been out to buy some "magic foods" - the blue foods which contain amazing antioxidents & healthy quantities of vitamins & minerals, such as blue berries, blackberries, strawberries & beetroot juice...

I have dug out some of the dietry shakes which were recommended to me some time ago, which are low in fat & contain little to no dairy, but which have vitamin complexes which will support me & give me energy while I am trying to adjust my diet. I remember having great success with these a couple of years ago, when I gained energy from having a magic berry shake with this added for breakfast. It not only helped me feel full & suppressed my false appetite (which is due to the insulin resistance which causes blood sugar levels not to register properly) but also gave me added energy which I need to be more active & when keeping up with young children!

I did break down tonight & eat chocolate... It was just one bag of m&ms but it was a big bag... I used to binge a lot. Does anyone else do that? I imagine it's a bit like bulemic binge eating - anything & everything you desire - & then purging, only I don't purge. Partly because I hate throwing up & partly because I feel like that's cheating (& I don't want to ruin my teeth) so I feel gross & sick & swear I'll never, ever binge eat again...

In the past I've done this with all sorts of foods. Back in the day my favourite things to binge on were Twisties, family size blocks of Cadbury's chocolate (the Australian version), Camembert or Brie cheeses (a whole wedge or a small wheel), any cheese really... ice cream - especially the real vanilla version with the visible vanilla seeds from the pod, sugary drinks, milky drinks, alcoholic drinks (although getting drunk was never part of the plan...) Snakes Alive, Fantails, Tim Tams (sometimes as a slam with coffee), Kingston biscuits, salami or other manufactured, hand made sausages or luncheon meats..

It's really rather pathetic reading that list, but I am really, really trying to be honest, & I don't think this is something I've ever discussed before. I feel disgusting & slightly sick just reading that list, but I also feel somehow liberated to admit that I've done this... time & again! Always promising myself, as I stocked up on forbidden treats & indulgent quantities of favourite foods, that it was one last hurrah before I started a diet in earnest... It never really was. I am very honest with everyone, but myself. I never, ever intentionally tell a lie, except where my own health or happiness is concerned. I know it has to stop.

Anyway - I am facing up to my faults & failings & hope in naming them & bringing them out in the open I can avoid them. If I am tempted to go out & buy ready mixed icing or Kraft peanut butter with the intention of spooning it straight from the jar & eating the lot, hopefully I will read this blog & remember how sickly I feel when I do so...

I am also looking to get some further counselling. I had a great series of sessions in 2010-2011 soon after my Mother passed away. It helped enormously, but I have still been through a lot more since then, believing I was going to die, or at least end up on the street, but relying on the kindness & charity of others instead & finally finding the strength to get back into a normal life again. It is not an exaggeration to put it in those terms... The depression which I went through is difficult to explain, but depression is not about feeling down or being sad or crying a lot... it's not even about the dark, heavy, suffocating world you believe you live in... it's about not seeing a way through. It's about not being able to envisage things getting better or how to get to the next stage in your life. I couldn't imagine how I would pay for food, or rent, or how I would get strong enough to work again... I sometimes couldn't be inspired enough to walk downstairs & have a shower, because I wasn't going to see anyone or do anything which required me to be that clean so why spend the energy on washing my self & my hair? Depression does pass, though... it takes strength & a belief that things are going to get better, but you will make it better, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility! It's also true that you rarely realise how depressed you are when in the grip of a bout of it... but part of the healing process is looking back & knowing how far you've come. Now that I recognise I've come through a very difficult time, especially when I am so far from home, from family & friends, & especially given that some friends just didn't have it in them to be there for me, even long distance (which is sad, but something I am slowly coming to terms with) I know it's time to sit down & reassess where I am with some professional guidance... I am looking forward to understanding myself better & learning how to help myself become stronger & healthier through taking care of my mental health as well as my physical & spiritual health...

Where I am at...

pic of me taken at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket
23rd Feb, 2013

Many of you know I have been eating gluten again for a while, now, & once I have had some blood tests which my lovely doctor has ordered but which I haven't "got around to doing, yet" I will return to a gluten free diet once more.

Why? Because I need to make some changes in my life!

For one thing, I am feeling so tired, and yet I am not sleeping well - or rather, I am not sleeping when I should! I go to bed, do all the things which are supposed to be "cues to sleep" but then I either toss & turn for hours or I do other things in order to distract myself from tossing & turning... Things like watching TV, going online, reading... the usual!

I am also having far more headaches than I did when I was avoiding gluten... I don't think either of these things are a coincidence, as I noticed a decrease in my headaches the first time I switched to a wheat-free diet back in 2010. I know that making the switch again will make a difference to my overall health.

I've had a really rough couple of years which takes it's toll on not only my mental & emotional health, but my overall immune system. It's been shown time & again, during studies, that the physical, spiritual & mental states of people have a close correlation. Well, apart from numerous minor ailments over the last couple of years, I've had 2 sinus infections in the last 6 months. I have suffered depression, & gone through a period where my only contact with the church I love has been the home group I attend every other Wednesday, which I make it to most of the time - except when I am not well... see above!

Then there's the fact that I do actually want to get healthier & lose weight, but right now I simply don't have the energy. I've noticed  that I don't have the mental energy, either, especially at the end of the day, when I am making choices about what to do & how to eat in my free time.

I know I need to lose weight as I am officially classified as obese. This means my knees & joints are under added pressure from the extra weight they are bearing. I recently saw an episode of "Embarrassing Bodies" which was about weight-related problems. The handsome, & very buff, Dr Christian has only 7% body fat... so he certainly did not suffer from excess weight! (In fact if anything his body fat is considered too little to be truly healthy). Dr Christian donned a body suit which added both size & weight to his frame, & carried out a series of tests which he'd previously performed at his regular weight & fitness level. I initially thought that the tests would not be that difficult even though he had the extra weight, because of his fitness & strength, but to my surprise he had difficulty walking any great distance without becoming breathless due to both the effort & impact on his joints which the added weight caused. This was an eye-opener.

Me (left) with Janine
23rd Feb, 2013

I've also been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS). Additional weight is both a cause & an effect of PCOS. Weight adds to the body's inability to absorb insulin & insulin resistance adds to the bodies cravings for food & to the inability to lose weight. I am in a difficult starting place, and even my doctor has said it's going to be "very, very, very difficult" to get started, but she also said a little weight loss will make a huge difference to the condition & that once I start losing weight it will become easier. I am trying to cut out refined sugar, although I do still have cravings which result in me having slip ups in my good intentions.

Being insulin resistant also means I am predisposed to developing type 2 diabetes, which is something I do not want! I have read a lot about insulin resistance which is pretty much what type 2 diabetes is caused by & it can definitely be eased, if not completely reversed by losing weight. Diet is important in this, so I do most definitely need to make changes in my diet. I also want to exercise to improve my chances of both losing weight & getting fitter & more able to keep up with the demands of my job & life!

To sum it all up in a word, I am feeling "sluggish".

It's clear to me that I need to kick start some changes in my life. Poor immune system, lack of energy, lots of headaches, sleep problems, lack of motivation, difficulty organising myself, even poor memory compared to my previous abilities, have made me feel that I am far from being who I really want to be & I want to get back to being that person!!

I have done several things in the past which have helped. Losing weight is obviously an important thing I need to do. My health would benefit hugely, & we all know that losing weight means gaining energy, so, I am currently reading this book, "The Ultimate Detox" by Dr Sandra Cabot & Margaret Jasinska ND. It's subtitle is "2-Week Deep Cleansing Diet" it's described as a way to "restore your health & lose weight". My sister, Leigh, has recently done this cleansing diet & she feels more energised, is thinking more clearly, is sleeping well, & has lost weight. Of course she was nowhere near as heavy as I am when she started, but she feels so much better that I figure I will definitely see a difference. I've done cleansing diets before & felt healthier & stronger & more able to think clearly, & slept better, as well as lost weight as a result! What I really need to do to get started is be more organised each day so I don't grab the nearest snack or most tempting food available. I also need to get my head into a place where I can follow through on my good intentions.

The Ultimate Detox, which I am currently reading.

So, I am preparing at the moment - a) by reading the book & b) by purchasing some dietary items which will support me on this journey. I want to start in about a week when I will not be working (as the family I work for are in Hong Kong) & so be in a better position to cope with expected initial side-effects such as headaches, stomach discomfort, possible constipation, diarrhoea or nausea, aching, feeling like I'm coming down with something, or other possible symptoms of my liver & lymphatic system clearing out the toxins I've been gathering by my sedentary & indulgent lifestyle... It might not be pretty, but it will be worth while!

I will, of course keep my blog updated... and I might just pop in here to reread this post from time to time in order to prop up my determination to follow through on this course of action!

Return to the blog...

Wow! Look at at that! A whole year on...

I just didn't have the heart to write about self-improvement when I was struggling just to make ends meet. My weight went up & down & up again as I comfort ate my way through 4 house-moves & the stress of what to do when one situation failed & another was miserable for me. I loved working with CJ & MJ, the boys whom I cared for in 2012, & who are still very precious to me! I really loved their parents, especially Kathy who is one of those rare people who lives by the compassion & action that Jesus showed us... time & again she has said the right thing, or done something, put wheels in motion for me just when I most needed it. I count her a very precious friend & feel so very blessed to have her in my life. The boys also continue to fill me with joy & I love the opportunities to spend time with them, either visiting, catching up for a meal or babysitting when their new nanny is not available.

I love my new boys, JJ who is 4 years old & his little brother AJ who turned 20 months today. They are bright, alert, creative, fun, funny, challenging, talkative... all the things you'd expect of pre-schoolers! I am constantly exhausted at the end of the day. Living with a family again is something I appreciate more now that I've done the "live out" option for over 12 months... London is expensive & the impact of living with someone who didn't want me there, just wanted the rental income, was brutal. I now love my little room, under the roofline, with the shelves & wardrobe built in to suit me, the TV bought for my entertainment & a family I love & feel completely at ease with..

I am making regular payments & inroads into the debts which have been eating away at my sanity & my soul, making sleep difficult & life a nightmare at times... it is impossible to overstate the stress which comes of inadequate income & demanding debtors... No wonder I comfort ate myself to almost 100kg. Not something I am proud of, but something I need to aknowlege, forgive myself for & move forward.

I weighed myself & had an analysis of my body fat yesterday. The results were pretty shocking. 98.0 kg (although last time I weighed myself I was 99.8 which was really a shock!) My body mass index (BMI) is 35.6 which is very overweight (although the national average is 33.2, a good BMI is 29), My body fat is 44.5% of my overall weight!! That is really horrific as far as I am concerned! If I lost most of my body fat I would weigh just over 50kg, but a safe, healthy weight for me would be between 50.9 & 68.8... I think at this stage I'd be thrilled to get down to the 70s for the first time in over 2 decades...

Clearly I do need to take stock anew & get more excersise into my life, reduce sugar & fats in my diet & reduce the quantities I am consuming...

I'll keep you updated.

Thank you, already!

I'm only 3 days into this new blog & already people are following me & are either commenting on my posts, or leaving me messages on facebook!

Mostly folk are saying "good on you!" which is so very appreciated! I think it will help me stay on the "straight & narrow" knowing that folk are reading & keeping up to date with what I am doing... I hadn't thought about "being accountable" when I started this blog... it was much more about the thought process I was going through & how best to keep a record of my pondering & (hopefully) progress, but now that I know there are people following my blog & sending me messages I feel a little more "duty bound" to do my best! I know I'll mess up some days... (today was warm & humid & I had no energy... & I haven't even officially started this lifestyle change, yet!) but there will be days I am so proud of myself! I have to be honest & record the "ooops" events as well as the "hooray!" moments!

One thing that I could not have foreseen is that my wonderful friend, Bridie, phoned me up last night & asked to join me in the Race for Life! I am so thrilled that she will be walking with me! Bridie's mother is a breast cancer survivor & Bridie knew my Mum well... So wonderful to know I'll be doing this with a wonderful friend by my side, Babe! Thank you so much!

Anyway - excersize today... ummmm... we walked around the block (albeit at 'Decca pace')... & then we... uh... Oh yeah! We walked to the chemist, the health food shop & back home (also at 'Decca pace')... & if you count the fact that I went down & up the stairs to the laundry (in our cellar) about 20 times today that's the sum of my excersize!

I did eat healthily... until I ate all those nachos with rather delicious humous this evening! The humous was organic & fresh from the health food shop... the nachos were gross-cheese-burger-flavoured so that was not a good move!

*sigh* Hopefully I'll remember that next time...

Why now?

So, why now? It's been a massive year or two of change for me... at times I've felt empowered & happy & enjoying life, but at others it's been a huge struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, not to mention dealing with grief, intense, long-haul flights, changing jobs, moving, the end of a serious relationship & all that this entailed... I have managed, during this time, not to give in to depression (a very real risk with all that was going on) & to remain positive, a good nanny & a growing & learning individual. I have even lost some weight!


While trying to lose weight, partly through changing my diet to exclude gluten, I have also been trying to feel better about myself & my mental self-image has been altered quite a bit... Having 12 weeks of couselling has helped me more than I can express, or even more than I am fully aware of at present! I have learned so much about my perception of my place in the world during the last 4 months, than I think I have in the last 40 years! It's interesting that without intentionally doing so, I have changed my wardrobe quite a bit, started wearing make up for the first time in years, & have more energy & impetus to go out & do new things! I have made new friends, sometimes in unexpected places, & I am really enjoying my life!

I have been trying out the "relationship website" eHarmony, but to date I have not connected with anyone whom I have felt an immediate spark, so I am thinking of giving that a break... it's an interesting process, & one I respect, but sometimes difficult & not a very natural one. I am not disliking it, but I just feel I need to focus on other aspects of myself & hope that a relationship will follow...

I have moved in with a lovely family, with whom I have a terrific rapport! The reason for leaving my gorgeous Zachary & his family was a good one - the arrival of a new baby, Sienna Rose, who is as gorgeous, delightful & wonderful to spend time with as her big brother (& even better behaved than he was as a baby)! Their lovely Mummy is taking an extended time to enjoy motherhood & I couldn't be more thrilled for them! My new family are laid back, busy, warm, relaxed, intelligent, artistic & have the most adorable & delightful little girl whom I love! It's partly through chating with Carolyn, the Mummy, that I have thought about changing aspects of my lifestyle to invest in better health & self-esteem. Carolyn is very open to alternative medicinal approaches, & very much enjoys good, healthy foods. She & I were talking about "life coaching" for each other, & whilst she is a very attractive, slim & fashionable lady who doesn't need any "coaching" I am learning a lot from living with her & without realising it, I am becoming more confident in several areas of my life! (fashion & "styling" being just a part of it!)

Me with the beautiful, 9-week-old, Sienna Rose, born 4th May.

This next week we  are going away for a break, so it will be the 3 adults - Mummy, Carolyn; Daddy, Alex & I - with the little Decca Doll, & perhaps we'll indulge a bit, or perhaps we'll walk a lot & do plenty of different things, or perhaps we'll have lots of rain & stay indoors a lot! (It's a British summer, after all) & then, I am off to celebrate the marriage of my 2nd cousin, Ben & his gorgeous fiancee, Lyndsay, up in Lancashire. Carolyn & I are determined to start afresh on the following Monday by taking stock of the foods we keep in the house, what we eat, drink, how much we excersize, & how we think about the world! I am really looking forward to this & I'm reading various cookery, lifestyle & alternaive medicine books, as well as finding out about physical activities I can join in with in the local area...

Self portrait taken during the Race for Life, last May...

I am also walking as much as I can, in preparation for the Race For Life coming up in 3 weeks on Clapham Common. I am walking in memory of my beautiful Mother, Joan Helena Small, whom we lost from this life last September. The cancer which took her was agressive & horrible & I don't want others to suffer the loss of their own beloved family member the way we lost our wonderful Mummy! I am also walking for my amazing Auntie, Jean Stagg, who fought breast cancer, went into remission, then had a reoccurance of cancer, this time in her lungs & bones, & fought it - living life every day - for 18 months until she passed away just 2 weeks after Easter this year. She & I were also close & it's been a blow losing her so soon after Mum. If anyone wishes to sponsor me in this worthwhilte cause, online donations can be attributed to my efforts at: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/meredithsmall1108?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=newsfeed&utm_campaign=editpage  If you're a UK taxpayer you can also chose to "gift aid" your contribution which allows the charity to claim a further amount in a tax break from the government,

With my gorgeous cousin, Siobhan, after the Race for Life, last May

Anyway - while I prepare for this & ponder my reasoning, and perhaps my sanity, I shall try to keep you up to date... A migraine last night left me feeling not-so-much like walking today, but I'll see how I fare later in the afternoon!

Thank you for joining me! ~Mem x x x