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Wow! Look at at that! A whole year on...

I just didn't have the heart to write about self-improvement when I was struggling just to make ends meet. My weight went up & down & up again as I comfort ate my way through 4 house-moves & the stress of what to do when one situation failed & another was miserable for me. I loved working with CJ & MJ, the boys whom I cared for in 2012, & who are still very precious to me! I really loved their parents, especially Kathy who is one of those rare people who lives by the compassion & action that Jesus showed us... time & again she has said the right thing, or done something, put wheels in motion for me just when I most needed it. I count her a very precious friend & feel so very blessed to have her in my life. The boys also continue to fill me with joy & I love the opportunities to spend time with them, either visiting, catching up for a meal or babysitting when their new nanny is not available.

I love my new boys, JJ who is 4 years old & his little brother AJ who turned 20 months today. They are bright, alert, creative, fun, funny, challenging, talkative... all the things you'd expect of pre-schoolers! I am constantly exhausted at the end of the day. Living with a family again is something I appreciate more now that I've done the "live out" option for over 12 months... London is expensive & the impact of living with someone who didn't want me there, just wanted the rental income, was brutal. I now love my little room, under the roofline, with the shelves & wardrobe built in to suit me, the TV bought for my entertainment & a family I love & feel completely at ease with..

I am making regular payments & inroads into the debts which have been eating away at my sanity & my soul, making sleep difficult & life a nightmare at times... it is impossible to overstate the stress which comes of inadequate income & demanding debtors... No wonder I comfort ate myself to almost 100kg. Not something I am proud of, but something I need to aknowlege, forgive myself for & move forward.

I weighed myself & had an analysis of my body fat yesterday. The results were pretty shocking. 98.0 kg (although last time I weighed myself I was 99.8 which was really a shock!) My body mass index (BMI) is 35.6 which is very overweight (although the national average is 33.2, a good BMI is 29), My body fat is 44.5% of my overall weight!! That is really horrific as far as I am concerned! If I lost most of my body fat I would weigh just over 50kg, but a safe, healthy weight for me would be between 50.9 & 68.8... I think at this stage I'd be thrilled to get down to the 70s for the first time in over 2 decades...

Clearly I do need to take stock anew & get more excersise into my life, reduce sugar & fats in my diet & reduce the quantities I am consuming...

I'll keep you updated.

Back from the brink...

If you were one of the lovely people who subscribed to my blog when I first started it, then I must appologise for keeping silent for so long... Soon after I wrote the first couple of entries & found myself on a downward spiral, as first my health was under scrutiny & I was scared more than I admitted as a cardiologist described my stumbled-upon symptoms as "sinister", then I was fired (due to the possibility that I had a heart condition) & that meant I lost my home (due to the fact that I was a live-in nanny). I had 12 days to move out & then I was without an income or a space of my own... To top it all off I had almost no money due to a problem with my salary, & a recent holiday (which had been booked almost a year earlier).

Thankfully I have some amazing friends & family who gave me a place to sleep, sometimes for a week or more at a time. I cannot thank Siobhan, Annie & Michelle, Bridie, Steve & Elly, Nicci, Wendy & Frank, Rebecca & Naomi & my amazing, new-found friend, Amanda as well as Sheilah & D'artagnion (the Welsh Springer Spaniel). I have also been house-sitting & looking after the gorgeous Working Cockerspaniel, Lucca, for Leeanne & Brett, Bella & Bashi while they've been away, which has been an absolute blessing! I have also had friends who have been there for me, keeping me in their prayers & generally helping me to focus on what's important & offering support. Way too many to list, but I will say that without the support of Paula, Katherine, Sally & Simon I would have been finding life even more difficult, & Ali, Russell, Claire & David have been wonderful friends! I cannot stay "down" when I am so blessed with the friends in my life.

I have had so many tests & have been poked & prodded, scanned & dosed with beta-blockers & finally, on 23rd December, I was told that my heart is notably healthy! The arteries around my heart were described as "very, very healthy" & there are no defects or signs of scarring or fibroids, & as far as my heart health is concerned I have a full, long life ahead of me! Terrific! In he mean time beta blockers have slowed my heart rate, & reduced the incidence of VT (ventricular tachycardia) which worried them so much, as well as the ectopic heartbeats (which I've been aware of for many years & which are benign).

I am also starting a new job on 3rd January... I am really looking forward to doing what I love again! This time I shall be working part time, 30 hours a week, with two great boys, a 10 year old & a 7 year old... I shall have access to a Ford Fiesta, which is a great car & having driven it a few times already I am comfortable behind the wheel & find the London traffic in the area is similar to driving in Canterbury or Hawthorn (suburbs of Melbourne for those not familiar with my home town), but I don't have to "dodge" trams!!

I must admit that while I have been unemployed & "homeless" I have been pretty depressed. I have felt helpless & somewhat paralysed when it comes to taking action. During the last 3+ months I've not claimed benefits, although I would have definitely been entitled to them... I have not follwed up on things which might have brought in some extra money & I have found it difficult to communicate with people who mean a lot to me. I have really had to make myself write messages to people on facebook but I have been really disliking myself & finding it difficult to cope with even the littlest setbacks. Feeling oversensitive about criticism, hurt at the slightest thing... I've tried writing emails to people but I don't trust my ability to express anything emotional without it being open to misinterpretation - so I've stuck with generally cheerful comments on people's facebook pages & profiles... all of which are genuine, but also which mask a deep down sense that I am a failure & that if people knew everything about me they couldn't like me... that is the true nature of depression, though.

Anyway - it's a new year... I have a good health report & I have a new job! I am looking forward to new challenges, finding a flatshare or a studio/bedsit to call home... I am looking forward to getting my phone reconnected, my bills paid & looking for ways to earn extra money. I am looking forward to starting study for the first time in 20 years & I am really looking forward to renewing my committment to exploring various ways of improving myself & my prospects.

Wishing you all a safe & happy 2012, filled with achievement & blessings.