Relieved I am sick?

I just wrote a new status update on facebook. It went like this: "Well, sometimes when I feel lousy, I am convinced half of it is in my head & I keep pushing on... perhaps it explains the (almost) sense of relief that I have at being told I have a strep throat & middle ear infection requiring massively strong antibiotics to get over... The doctor was using hyperbole all through the examination & said my ears were particularly spectacular! She was surprised one of my eardrums hadn't perforated as it is so swollen she couldn't see the back of the ear canal... I only mention this because it all proves that I am really sick! It's not just in my head & in a sick kind of way (pardon the pun) that makes me happy! ..." 

I almost immediately thought about why I felt this way... I mean, I am not happy to have a strep infection in my throat, apart from the pain it's causing & the miserable feelings it's giving me, I don't want to have to cope with another course of antibiotics, especially the really strong ones I've been prescribed... but back when I was perpetually depressed & even back when I was at school, I used to want to be sick more often than not.

Yes you read that correctly - I actually wanted to be sick.

When I was at school I hated it so much! I was either bored or felt completely overlooked when I was in a subject I struggled with, like maths, & my only joy in school was my social life with my closest friends. At primary school I was even bullied by a teacher, although it took me some years to realise this. When I was legitimately sick I could stay at home & read... I loved reading, & sleeping & not being at school in general...

Later, when I was an adult & after my brain haemorrhage, I suffered severe depression. Depression is still such a mysterious illness, which anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand, can really struggle with understanding. Even people who have clinical depression are often unaware of it, at least initially! I can sometimes be in a bout of depression without even recognising it, & I consider myself aware of the signs & thoughts that go with it. I must say that during the worst periods of my illness in the 1990s, I would almost hope to injure myself or become ill so that people couldn't expect me to fulfill commitments & obligations. I remember realising this when, during my recovery from a break down in 1998 I walked out to the back garden & as I descended the steps to the clothes line I realised a familiar sense was missing. I examined what was different about it this time, & was shocked, & relieved, to know that I wasn't looking at the wonky steps with the concrete footpath at their base as a potential injury trap... somewhere in the back of my mind, deep in my subconscious I thought that if I fell & broke a leg, arm or ankle then I couldn't work, couldn't drive, couldn't attend social or other commitments... I would be blameless AND "off the hook"... & yes, even social events were overwhelming to me.

So, as I have recovered, my health has become more important to me as well. I have learned a lot about being proactive against illness & about what natural therapies support my immune system with success... I have learned to take steps to help myself before I come down with something, rather than wait until I am completely ill before taking some preventative or analgesic... I try to keep my health on track by taking daily multivitamins & sometimes adding other supplements which support my immune system like olive leaf extract, black elderberry extract, echinacea & vitamin C or zinc. I drink lots of water, & usually have a filter bottle or a filter jug so that I am not taking in any of the pollutants in our water supply... I now hate being sick, so when I am I do what I can to get well as soon as possible.

The pain in my throat, right now, feels like I am trying to swallow around a sharp rock, & the ache in my ears is horrible... but knowing I am not so depressed that I am "wishing" these symptoms on myself means so much to me! I have a fantastic doctor who discussed side effects of the antibiotics with me & advised me to eat lots of live culture yoghurt. I was able to visit the local health food shop for some suppliments, including vitamin D, & I will do everything in my power to get over this as soon as possible & as completely as possible!

My next plan is to get healthy & have a stronger immune system!

Almost ready...

I am making good progress with the book I am going to follow for my cleansing diet. I have been out to buy some "magic foods" - the blue foods which contain amazing antioxidents & healthy quantities of vitamins & minerals, such as blue berries, blackberries, strawberries & beetroot juice...

I have dug out some of the dietry shakes which were recommended to me some time ago, which are low in fat & contain little to no dairy, but which have vitamin complexes which will support me & give me energy while I am trying to adjust my diet. I remember having great success with these a couple of years ago, when I gained energy from having a magic berry shake with this added for breakfast. It not only helped me feel full & suppressed my false appetite (which is due to the insulin resistance which causes blood sugar levels not to register properly) but also gave me added energy which I need to be more active & when keeping up with young children!

I did break down tonight & eat chocolate... It was just one bag of m&ms but it was a big bag... I used to binge a lot. Does anyone else do that? I imagine it's a bit like bulemic binge eating - anything & everything you desire - & then purging, only I don't purge. Partly because I hate throwing up & partly because I feel like that's cheating (& I don't want to ruin my teeth) so I feel gross & sick & swear I'll never, ever binge eat again...

In the past I've done this with all sorts of foods. Back in the day my favourite things to binge on were Twisties, family size blocks of Cadbury's chocolate (the Australian version), Camembert or Brie cheeses (a whole wedge or a small wheel), any cheese really... ice cream - especially the real vanilla version with the visible vanilla seeds from the pod, sugary drinks, milky drinks, alcoholic drinks (although getting drunk was never part of the plan...) Snakes Alive, Fantails, Tim Tams (sometimes as a slam with coffee), Kingston biscuits, salami or other manufactured, hand made sausages or luncheon meats..

It's really rather pathetic reading that list, but I am really, really trying to be honest, & I don't think this is something I've ever discussed before. I feel disgusting & slightly sick just reading that list, but I also feel somehow liberated to admit that I've done this... time & again! Always promising myself, as I stocked up on forbidden treats & indulgent quantities of favourite foods, that it was one last hurrah before I started a diet in earnest... It never really was. I am very honest with everyone, but myself. I never, ever intentionally tell a lie, except where my own health or happiness is concerned. I know it has to stop.

Anyway - I am facing up to my faults & failings & hope in naming them & bringing them out in the open I can avoid them. If I am tempted to go out & buy ready mixed icing or Kraft peanut butter with the intention of spooning it straight from the jar & eating the lot, hopefully I will read this blog & remember how sickly I feel when I do so...

I am also looking to get some further counselling. I had a great series of sessions in 2010-2011 soon after my Mother passed away. It helped enormously, but I have still been through a lot more since then, believing I was going to die, or at least end up on the street, but relying on the kindness & charity of others instead & finally finding the strength to get back into a normal life again. It is not an exaggeration to put it in those terms... The depression which I went through is difficult to explain, but depression is not about feeling down or being sad or crying a lot... it's not even about the dark, heavy, suffocating world you believe you live in... it's about not seeing a way through. It's about not being able to envisage things getting better or how to get to the next stage in your life. I couldn't imagine how I would pay for food, or rent, or how I would get strong enough to work again... I sometimes couldn't be inspired enough to walk downstairs & have a shower, because I wasn't going to see anyone or do anything which required me to be that clean so why spend the energy on washing my self & my hair? Depression does pass, though... it takes strength & a belief that things are going to get better, but you will make it better, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility! It's also true that you rarely realise how depressed you are when in the grip of a bout of it... but part of the healing process is looking back & knowing how far you've come. Now that I recognise I've come through a very difficult time, especially when I am so far from home, from family & friends, & especially given that some friends just didn't have it in them to be there for me, even long distance (which is sad, but something I am slowly coming to terms with) I know it's time to sit down & reassess where I am with some professional guidance... I am looking forward to understanding myself better & learning how to help myself become stronger & healthier through taking care of my mental health as well as my physical & spiritual health...

Back from the brink...

If you were one of the lovely people who subscribed to my blog when I first started it, then I must appologise for keeping silent for so long... Soon after I wrote the first couple of entries & found myself on a downward spiral, as first my health was under scrutiny & I was scared more than I admitted as a cardiologist described my stumbled-upon symptoms as "sinister", then I was fired (due to the possibility that I had a heart condition) & that meant I lost my home (due to the fact that I was a live-in nanny). I had 12 days to move out & then I was without an income or a space of my own... To top it all off I had almost no money due to a problem with my salary, & a recent holiday (which had been booked almost a year earlier).

Thankfully I have some amazing friends & family who gave me a place to sleep, sometimes for a week or more at a time. I cannot thank Siobhan, Annie & Michelle, Bridie, Steve & Elly, Nicci, Wendy & Frank, Rebecca & Naomi & my amazing, new-found friend, Amanda as well as Sheilah & D'artagnion (the Welsh Springer Spaniel). I have also been house-sitting & looking after the gorgeous Working Cockerspaniel, Lucca, for Leeanne & Brett, Bella & Bashi while they've been away, which has been an absolute blessing! I have also had friends who have been there for me, keeping me in their prayers & generally helping me to focus on what's important & offering support. Way too many to list, but I will say that without the support of Paula, Katherine, Sally & Simon I would have been finding life even more difficult, & Ali, Russell, Claire & David have been wonderful friends! I cannot stay "down" when I am so blessed with the friends in my life.

I have had so many tests & have been poked & prodded, scanned & dosed with beta-blockers & finally, on 23rd December, I was told that my heart is notably healthy! The arteries around my heart were described as "very, very healthy" & there are no defects or signs of scarring or fibroids, & as far as my heart health is concerned I have a full, long life ahead of me! Terrific! In he mean time beta blockers have slowed my heart rate, & reduced the incidence of VT (ventricular tachycardia) which worried them so much, as well as the ectopic heartbeats (which I've been aware of for many years & which are benign).

I am also starting a new job on 3rd January... I am really looking forward to doing what I love again! This time I shall be working part time, 30 hours a week, with two great boys, a 10 year old & a 7 year old... I shall have access to a Ford Fiesta, which is a great car & having driven it a few times already I am comfortable behind the wheel & find the London traffic in the area is similar to driving in Canterbury or Hawthorn (suburbs of Melbourne for those not familiar with my home town), but I don't have to "dodge" trams!!

I must admit that while I have been unemployed & "homeless" I have been pretty depressed. I have felt helpless & somewhat paralysed when it comes to taking action. During the last 3+ months I've not claimed benefits, although I would have definitely been entitled to them... I have not follwed up on things which might have brought in some extra money & I have found it difficult to communicate with people who mean a lot to me. I have really had to make myself write messages to people on facebook but I have been really disliking myself & finding it difficult to cope with even the littlest setbacks. Feeling oversensitive about criticism, hurt at the slightest thing... I've tried writing emails to people but I don't trust my ability to express anything emotional without it being open to misinterpretation - so I've stuck with generally cheerful comments on people's facebook pages & profiles... all of which are genuine, but also which mask a deep down sense that I am a failure & that if people knew everything about me they couldn't like me... that is the true nature of depression, though.

Anyway - it's a new year... I have a good health report & I have a new job! I am looking forward to new challenges, finding a flatshare or a studio/bedsit to call home... I am looking forward to getting my phone reconnected, my bills paid & looking for ways to earn extra money. I am looking forward to starting study for the first time in 20 years & I am really looking forward to renewing my committment to exploring various ways of improving myself & my prospects.

Wishing you all a safe & happy 2012, filled with achievement & blessings.