Another fun Fact you might not know about me #9

I really, really, really do not enjoy those Cadbury's Creme Eggs you see advertised constantly in the lead up to Easter.

I tried one in Melbourne, once, several years ago, and it was disgusting - so sickeningly sweet but without any particular flavour. Now when you consider that that was an Australian Cadbury's chocolate Creme Egg, which is so superior to British Cadbury's chocolate and infinitely superior to America's version of the same, you'll understand why I have absolutely no intention of sampling one in either the UK or the USA...

As for those ads on at the moment - seriously disturbing... very seriously disturbing!!!

Where I'm at...

I think I need to reboot my plans to work towards a "new" me, but then again I have made a lot of changes in my life, for various reasons, so I thought I'd share them with you!

The most amazing thing, to me, is that I am in love with the most wonderful man and he loves me, too! Graham has been a friend for almost 5 years now, & we knew each other for 4 years when we finally managed to start dating - after a very delayed 2nd date we made up for lost time, & when my live-in nanny job in London ended at the start of December 2013, I came to stay with him for a few weeks... I did secure and start a new position in January, but it soon became clear that my new employers and I had very different ideas about my role, and conversations didn't resolve anything, so I left after three weeks and returned to Staffordshire where Graham asked me to look locally for a job.

Graham and others encouraged me to put my experience to good use in a new way and after hours of work (with lots of help and support from my lovely man) I applied for a role as a Children's and Family Worker for the Methodist Church in nearby Biddulph. I was so excited when I was offered the job! I actually couldn't think straight for a moment & had to remember to breathe! I love this new role in my life and enjoy the connections I am making and the difference I feel in working for a church I love and respect so much! I am working with some wonderful people and am making friends in the community, both where I work and where I live!

Two of the first people to extend friendship when I first came to live in Stoke-on-Trent were Graham's dear friends, Chris and Katherine, with whom we have spent many wonderful days and nights playing board games, card games, eating great food and sharing some terrific conversations!

My Dad was born & raised in nearby Tunstall (part of Stoke-on-Trent) and it was through his cousins, Bev and Bernard, that I initially met Graham, and when we first started dating they were very encouraging and supportive. I love that I get to spend more time with them as Bev is like a big sister to me and it is so good to have folk who've known me since childhood around, as having grown up on the other side of the world is not that conducive to having life-long-friends you can spend time with.

There are, of course, challenges associated with making such life-changing decisions, and both Graham and I have a lot of hobbies, interests and "stuff"... I am trying to reduce what I have so I can move everything into the home we share, whilst Graham is also trying to sort through his belongings to make more space for those things I currently have in storage. Then there's the working out of our routines, with different ideas of what is "normal" and different tastes, habits and routines. We are finding it so important to talk through everything and not judge. Easier said than done, but I think we're managing to do it more than we don't! I also miss my many friends in London, and the opportunities which living in that amazing city gave me... I especially miss my London Culture Seekers and LOTNA (Sci Fi) friends with whom I spent most weekends pursuing our common love of things like history, architecture, theatre, cider, sci fi, cosplay and so many other things in between!

Graham's family have welcomed me with open arms and I feel such a part of their lives... His gorgeous nephew, Liam, is the cheekiest, brightest boy with wonderfully red hair! I get along very well with Graham's parents, brother and sister-in-law which is so awesome!

I love the skills I am adding to my abilities at work, I love the way I am using my gifts for bringing my faith to many new people and supporting others in their Christian life. I love the opportunities which lie before me and the love and support I have from Graham, family, friends and people I knew from my days contibuting to the life of the Uniting Church in Australia.

I love the things Graham and I share in common, from our love of our Christian faith, science fiction, good drama, comedy, documentaries, intelligent debate, performance & the technicality of productions, music, reading, spending time with friends and family... I love the things I am learning from him and the way he takes an interest in my own love of history, craft and literature.

I love my life and it is ready to take the next step towards loving my body and my own personality more... I might be better than I was, but I know I can take care of myself better and be more able to serve as a lay worker, as a friend, as a family member and as a partner to a wonderful man!

Watch this space!

Relieved I am sick?

I just wrote a new status update on facebook. It went like this: "Well, sometimes when I feel lousy, I am convinced half of it is in my head & I keep pushing on... perhaps it explains the (almost) sense of relief that I have at being told I have a strep throat & middle ear infection requiring massively strong antibiotics to get over... The doctor was using hyperbole all through the examination & said my ears were particularly spectacular! She was surprised one of my eardrums hadn't perforated as it is so swollen she couldn't see the back of the ear canal... I only mention this because it all proves that I am really sick! It's not just in my head & in a sick kind of way (pardon the pun) that makes me happy! ..." 

I almost immediately thought about why I felt this way... I mean, I am not happy to have a strep infection in my throat, apart from the pain it's causing & the miserable feelings it's giving me, I don't want to have to cope with another course of antibiotics, especially the really strong ones I've been prescribed... but back when I was perpetually depressed & even back when I was at school, I used to want to be sick more often than not.

Yes you read that correctly - I actually wanted to be sick.

When I was at school I hated it so much! I was either bored or felt completely overlooked when I was in a subject I struggled with, like maths, & my only joy in school was my social life with my closest friends. At primary school I was even bullied by a teacher, although it took me some years to realise this. When I was legitimately sick I could stay at home & read... I loved reading, & sleeping & not being at school in general...

Later, when I was an adult & after my brain haemorrhage, I suffered severe depression. Depression is still such a mysterious illness, which anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand, can really struggle with understanding. Even people who have clinical depression are often unaware of it, at least initially! I can sometimes be in a bout of depression without even recognising it, & I consider myself aware of the signs & thoughts that go with it. I must say that during the worst periods of my illness in the 1990s, I would almost hope to injure myself or become ill so that people couldn't expect me to fulfill commitments & obligations. I remember realising this when, during my recovery from a break down in 1998 I walked out to the back garden & as I descended the steps to the clothes line I realised a familiar sense was missing. I examined what was different about it this time, & was shocked, & relieved, to know that I wasn't looking at the wonky steps with the concrete footpath at their base as a potential injury trap... somewhere in the back of my mind, deep in my subconscious I thought that if I fell & broke a leg, arm or ankle then I couldn't work, couldn't drive, couldn't attend social or other commitments... I would be blameless AND "off the hook"... & yes, even social events were overwhelming to me.

So, as I have recovered, my health has become more important to me as well. I have learned a lot about being proactive against illness & about what natural therapies support my immune system with success... I have learned to take steps to help myself before I come down with something, rather than wait until I am completely ill before taking some preventative or analgesic... I try to keep my health on track by taking daily multivitamins & sometimes adding other supplements which support my immune system like olive leaf extract, black elderberry extract, echinacea & vitamin C or zinc. I drink lots of water, & usually have a filter bottle or a filter jug so that I am not taking in any of the pollutants in our water supply... I now hate being sick, so when I am I do what I can to get well as soon as possible.

The pain in my throat, right now, feels like I am trying to swallow around a sharp rock, & the ache in my ears is horrible... but knowing I am not so depressed that I am "wishing" these symptoms on myself means so much to me! I have a fantastic doctor who discussed side effects of the antibiotics with me & advised me to eat lots of live culture yoghurt. I was able to visit the local health food shop for some suppliments, including vitamin D, & I will do everything in my power to get over this as soon as possible & as completely as possible!

My next plan is to get healthy & have a stronger immune system!

Almost ready...

I am making good progress with the book I am going to follow for my cleansing diet. I have been out to buy some "magic foods" - the blue foods which contain amazing antioxidents & healthy quantities of vitamins & minerals, such as blue berries, blackberries, strawberries & beetroot juice...

I have dug out some of the dietry shakes which were recommended to me some time ago, which are low in fat & contain little to no dairy, but which have vitamin complexes which will support me & give me energy while I am trying to adjust my diet. I remember having great success with these a couple of years ago, when I gained energy from having a magic berry shake with this added for breakfast. It not only helped me feel full & suppressed my false appetite (which is due to the insulin resistance which causes blood sugar levels not to register properly) but also gave me added energy which I need to be more active & when keeping up with young children!

I did break down tonight & eat chocolate... It was just one bag of m&ms but it was a big bag... I used to binge a lot. Does anyone else do that? I imagine it's a bit like bulemic binge eating - anything & everything you desire - & then purging, only I don't purge. Partly because I hate throwing up & partly because I feel like that's cheating (& I don't want to ruin my teeth) so I feel gross & sick & swear I'll never, ever binge eat again...

In the past I've done this with all sorts of foods. Back in the day my favourite things to binge on were Twisties, family size blocks of Cadbury's chocolate (the Australian version), Camembert or Brie cheeses (a whole wedge or a small wheel), any cheese really... ice cream - especially the real vanilla version with the visible vanilla seeds from the pod, sugary drinks, milky drinks, alcoholic drinks (although getting drunk was never part of the plan...) Snakes Alive, Fantails, Tim Tams (sometimes as a slam with coffee), Kingston biscuits, salami or other manufactured, hand made sausages or luncheon meats..

It's really rather pathetic reading that list, but I am really, really trying to be honest, & I don't think this is something I've ever discussed before. I feel disgusting & slightly sick just reading that list, but I also feel somehow liberated to admit that I've done this... time & again! Always promising myself, as I stocked up on forbidden treats & indulgent quantities of favourite foods, that it was one last hurrah before I started a diet in earnest... It never really was. I am very honest with everyone, but myself. I never, ever intentionally tell a lie, except where my own health or happiness is concerned. I know it has to stop.

Anyway - I am facing up to my faults & failings & hope in naming them & bringing them out in the open I can avoid them. If I am tempted to go out & buy ready mixed icing or Kraft peanut butter with the intention of spooning it straight from the jar & eating the lot, hopefully I will read this blog & remember how sickly I feel when I do so...

I am also looking to get some further counselling. I had a great series of sessions in 2010-2011 soon after my Mother passed away. It helped enormously, but I have still been through a lot more since then, believing I was going to die, or at least end up on the street, but relying on the kindness & charity of others instead & finally finding the strength to get back into a normal life again. It is not an exaggeration to put it in those terms... The depression which I went through is difficult to explain, but depression is not about feeling down or being sad or crying a lot... it's not even about the dark, heavy, suffocating world you believe you live in... it's about not seeing a way through. It's about not being able to envisage things getting better or how to get to the next stage in your life. I couldn't imagine how I would pay for food, or rent, or how I would get strong enough to work again... I sometimes couldn't be inspired enough to walk downstairs & have a shower, because I wasn't going to see anyone or do anything which required me to be that clean so why spend the energy on washing my self & my hair? Depression does pass, though... it takes strength & a belief that things are going to get better, but you will make it better, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility! It's also true that you rarely realise how depressed you are when in the grip of a bout of it... but part of the healing process is looking back & knowing how far you've come. Now that I recognise I've come through a very difficult time, especially when I am so far from home, from family & friends, & especially given that some friends just didn't have it in them to be there for me, even long distance (which is sad, but something I am slowly coming to terms with) I know it's time to sit down & reassess where I am with some professional guidance... I am looking forward to understanding myself better & learning how to help myself become stronger & healthier through taking care of my mental health as well as my physical & spiritual health...

Another fun Fact you might not know about me #8

I was raised to believe that an open bathroom door was really vulgar, & to this day I really find an open toilet door disgusting. In addition I was raised to lower the lid, so forget any debate about seats... there's a lid for a reason & you need to close it, people! End of! 

 I also dislike people putting toilet paper on the roll back-to-front... yes, there is a correct way to face TP & it always is rolled over & towards you... rolled towards the wall is silly & wrong! Yes - I realise these rules combine to create toilet etiquette OCD, but I HAVE to live by them!!

Where I am at...

pic of me taken at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket
23rd Feb, 2013

Many of you know I have been eating gluten again for a while, now, & once I have had some blood tests which my lovely doctor has ordered but which I haven't "got around to doing, yet" I will return to a gluten free diet once more.

Why? Because I need to make some changes in my life!

For one thing, I am feeling so tired, and yet I am not sleeping well - or rather, I am not sleeping when I should! I go to bed, do all the things which are supposed to be "cues to sleep" but then I either toss & turn for hours or I do other things in order to distract myself from tossing & turning... Things like watching TV, going online, reading... the usual!

I am also having far more headaches than I did when I was avoiding gluten... I don't think either of these things are a coincidence, as I noticed a decrease in my headaches the first time I switched to a wheat-free diet back in 2010. I know that making the switch again will make a difference to my overall health.

I've had a really rough couple of years which takes it's toll on not only my mental & emotional health, but my overall immune system. It's been shown time & again, during studies, that the physical, spiritual & mental states of people have a close correlation. Well, apart from numerous minor ailments over the last couple of years, I've had 2 sinus infections in the last 6 months. I have suffered depression, & gone through a period where my only contact with the church I love has been the home group I attend every other Wednesday, which I make it to most of the time - except when I am not well... see above!

Then there's the fact that I do actually want to get healthier & lose weight, but right now I simply don't have the energy. I've noticed  that I don't have the mental energy, either, especially at the end of the day, when I am making choices about what to do & how to eat in my free time.

I know I need to lose weight as I am officially classified as obese. This means my knees & joints are under added pressure from the extra weight they are bearing. I recently saw an episode of "Embarrassing Bodies" which was about weight-related problems. The handsome, & very buff, Dr Christian has only 7% body fat... so he certainly did not suffer from excess weight! (In fact if anything his body fat is considered too little to be truly healthy). Dr Christian donned a body suit which added both size & weight to his frame, & carried out a series of tests which he'd previously performed at his regular weight & fitness level. I initially thought that the tests would not be that difficult even though he had the extra weight, because of his fitness & strength, but to my surprise he had difficulty walking any great distance without becoming breathless due to both the effort & impact on his joints which the added weight caused. This was an eye-opener.

Me (left) with Janine
23rd Feb, 2013

I've also been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS). Additional weight is both a cause & an effect of PCOS. Weight adds to the body's inability to absorb insulin & insulin resistance adds to the bodies cravings for food & to the inability to lose weight. I am in a difficult starting place, and even my doctor has said it's going to be "very, very, very difficult" to get started, but she also said a little weight loss will make a huge difference to the condition & that once I start losing weight it will become easier. I am trying to cut out refined sugar, although I do still have cravings which result in me having slip ups in my good intentions.

Being insulin resistant also means I am predisposed to developing type 2 diabetes, which is something I do not want! I have read a lot about insulin resistance which is pretty much what type 2 diabetes is caused by & it can definitely be eased, if not completely reversed by losing weight. Diet is important in this, so I do most definitely need to make changes in my diet. I also want to exercise to improve my chances of both losing weight & getting fitter & more able to keep up with the demands of my job & life!

To sum it all up in a word, I am feeling "sluggish".

It's clear to me that I need to kick start some changes in my life. Poor immune system, lack of energy, lots of headaches, sleep problems, lack of motivation, difficulty organising myself, even poor memory compared to my previous abilities, have made me feel that I am far from being who I really want to be & I want to get back to being that person!!

I have done several things in the past which have helped. Losing weight is obviously an important thing I need to do. My health would benefit hugely, & we all know that losing weight means gaining energy, so, I am currently reading this book, "The Ultimate Detox" by Dr Sandra Cabot & Margaret Jasinska ND. It's subtitle is "2-Week Deep Cleansing Diet" it's described as a way to "restore your health & lose weight". My sister, Leigh, has recently done this cleansing diet & she feels more energised, is thinking more clearly, is sleeping well, & has lost weight. Of course she was nowhere near as heavy as I am when she started, but she feels so much better that I figure I will definitely see a difference. I've done cleansing diets before & felt healthier & stronger & more able to think clearly, & slept better, as well as lost weight as a result! What I really need to do to get started is be more organised each day so I don't grab the nearest snack or most tempting food available. I also need to get my head into a place where I can follow through on my good intentions.

The Ultimate Detox, which I am currently reading.

So, I am preparing at the moment - a) by reading the book & b) by purchasing some dietary items which will support me on this journey. I want to start in about a week when I will not be working (as the family I work for are in Hong Kong) & so be in a better position to cope with expected initial side-effects such as headaches, stomach discomfort, possible constipation, diarrhoea or nausea, aching, feeling like I'm coming down with something, or other possible symptoms of my liver & lymphatic system clearing out the toxins I've been gathering by my sedentary & indulgent lifestyle... It might not be pretty, but it will be worth while!

I will, of course keep my blog updated... and I might just pop in here to reread this post from time to time in order to prop up my determination to follow through on this course of action!

Really fun thing you might not know about me #7

I photograph lost items! 

 If I see a lonely item, perhaps a glove or a scarf, a toy or a hat, sitting by the side of the road, on the footpath or kindly placed on a fence, I snap it! 

 It started when I was working here in Nappy Valley & every day I would see a dummy, a sock, a shoe & it was always so incongruous seeing a soft, childish item on a concrete path, or on a dirty black roadway... 

 I try to always take a pic with the item featuring in the foreground & the streetscape (or wherever it is) in the background... I have quite a few pics, now! 

  I could easily have more if I was always abe to stop! Sometimes it's just not possible!