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Wow! Look at at that! A whole year on...

I just didn't have the heart to write about self-improvement when I was struggling just to make ends meet. My weight went up & down & up again as I comfort ate my way through 4 house-moves & the stress of what to do when one situation failed & another was miserable for me. I loved working with CJ & MJ, the boys whom I cared for in 2012, & who are still very precious to me! I really loved their parents, especially Kathy who is one of those rare people who lives by the compassion & action that Jesus showed us... time & again she has said the right thing, or done something, put wheels in motion for me just when I most needed it. I count her a very precious friend & feel so very blessed to have her in my life. The boys also continue to fill me with joy & I love the opportunities to spend time with them, either visiting, catching up for a meal or babysitting when their new nanny is not available.

I love my new boys, JJ who is 4 years old & his little brother AJ who turned 20 months today. They are bright, alert, creative, fun, funny, challenging, talkative... all the things you'd expect of pre-schoolers! I am constantly exhausted at the end of the day. Living with a family again is something I appreciate more now that I've done the "live out" option for over 12 months... London is expensive & the impact of living with someone who didn't want me there, just wanted the rental income, was brutal. I now love my little room, under the roofline, with the shelves & wardrobe built in to suit me, the TV bought for my entertainment & a family I love & feel completely at ease with..

I am making regular payments & inroads into the debts which have been eating away at my sanity & my soul, making sleep difficult & life a nightmare at times... it is impossible to overstate the stress which comes of inadequate income & demanding debtors... No wonder I comfort ate myself to almost 100kg. Not something I am proud of, but something I need to aknowlege, forgive myself for & move forward.

I weighed myself & had an analysis of my body fat yesterday. The results were pretty shocking. 98.0 kg (although last time I weighed myself I was 99.8 which was really a shock!) My body mass index (BMI) is 35.6 which is very overweight (although the national average is 33.2, a good BMI is 29), My body fat is 44.5% of my overall weight!! That is really horrific as far as I am concerned! If I lost most of my body fat I would weigh just over 50kg, but a safe, healthy weight for me would be between 50.9 & 68.8... I think at this stage I'd be thrilled to get down to the 70s for the first time in over 2 decades...

Clearly I do need to take stock anew & get more excersise into my life, reduce sugar & fats in my diet & reduce the quantities I am consuming...

I'll keep you updated.

Thank you, already!

I'm only 3 days into this new blog & already people are following me & are either commenting on my posts, or leaving me messages on facebook!

Mostly folk are saying "good on you!" which is so very appreciated! I think it will help me stay on the "straight & narrow" knowing that folk are reading & keeping up to date with what I am doing... I hadn't thought about "being accountable" when I started this blog... it was much more about the thought process I was going through & how best to keep a record of my pondering & (hopefully) progress, but now that I know there are people following my blog & sending me messages I feel a little more "duty bound" to do my best! I know I'll mess up some days... (today was warm & humid & I had no energy... & I haven't even officially started this lifestyle change, yet!) but there will be days I am so proud of myself! I have to be honest & record the "ooops" events as well as the "hooray!" moments!

One thing that I could not have foreseen is that my wonderful friend, Bridie, phoned me up last night & asked to join me in the Race for Life! I am so thrilled that she will be walking with me! Bridie's mother is a breast cancer survivor & Bridie knew my Mum well... So wonderful to know I'll be doing this with a wonderful friend by my side, Babe! Thank you so much!

Anyway - excersize today... ummmm... we walked around the block (albeit at 'Decca pace')... & then we... uh... Oh yeah! We walked to the chemist, the health food shop & back home (also at 'Decca pace')... & if you count the fact that I went down & up the stairs to the laundry (in our cellar) about 20 times today that's the sum of my excersize!

I did eat healthily... until I ate all those nachos with rather delicious humous this evening! The humous was organic & fresh from the health food shop... the nachos were gross-cheese-burger-flavoured so that was not a good move!

*sigh* Hopefully I'll remember that next time...

Why now?

So, why now? It's been a massive year or two of change for me... at times I've felt empowered & happy & enjoying life, but at others it's been a huge struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, not to mention dealing with grief, intense, long-haul flights, changing jobs, moving, the end of a serious relationship & all that this entailed... I have managed, during this time, not to give in to depression (a very real risk with all that was going on) & to remain positive, a good nanny & a growing & learning individual. I have even lost some weight!


While trying to lose weight, partly through changing my diet to exclude gluten, I have also been trying to feel better about myself & my mental self-image has been altered quite a bit... Having 12 weeks of couselling has helped me more than I can express, or even more than I am fully aware of at present! I have learned so much about my perception of my place in the world during the last 4 months, than I think I have in the last 40 years! It's interesting that without intentionally doing so, I have changed my wardrobe quite a bit, started wearing make up for the first time in years, & have more energy & impetus to go out & do new things! I have made new friends, sometimes in unexpected places, & I am really enjoying my life!

I have been trying out the "relationship website" eHarmony, but to date I have not connected with anyone whom I have felt an immediate spark, so I am thinking of giving that a break... it's an interesting process, & one I respect, but sometimes difficult & not a very natural one. I am not disliking it, but I just feel I need to focus on other aspects of myself & hope that a relationship will follow...

I have moved in with a lovely family, with whom I have a terrific rapport! The reason for leaving my gorgeous Zachary & his family was a good one - the arrival of a new baby, Sienna Rose, who is as gorgeous, delightful & wonderful to spend time with as her big brother (& even better behaved than he was as a baby)! Their lovely Mummy is taking an extended time to enjoy motherhood & I couldn't be more thrilled for them! My new family are laid back, busy, warm, relaxed, intelligent, artistic & have the most adorable & delightful little girl whom I love! It's partly through chating with Carolyn, the Mummy, that I have thought about changing aspects of my lifestyle to invest in better health & self-esteem. Carolyn is very open to alternative medicinal approaches, & very much enjoys good, healthy foods. She & I were talking about "life coaching" for each other, & whilst she is a very attractive, slim & fashionable lady who doesn't need any "coaching" I am learning a lot from living with her & without realising it, I am becoming more confident in several areas of my life! (fashion & "styling" being just a part of it!)

Me with the beautiful, 9-week-old, Sienna Rose, born 4th May.

This next week we  are going away for a break, so it will be the 3 adults - Mummy, Carolyn; Daddy, Alex & I - with the little Decca Doll, & perhaps we'll indulge a bit, or perhaps we'll walk a lot & do plenty of different things, or perhaps we'll have lots of rain & stay indoors a lot! (It's a British summer, after all) & then, I am off to celebrate the marriage of my 2nd cousin, Ben & his gorgeous fiancee, Lyndsay, up in Lancashire. Carolyn & I are determined to start afresh on the following Monday by taking stock of the foods we keep in the house, what we eat, drink, how much we excersize, & how we think about the world! I am really looking forward to this & I'm reading various cookery, lifestyle & alternaive medicine books, as well as finding out about physical activities I can join in with in the local area...

Self portrait taken during the Race for Life, last May...

I am also walking as much as I can, in preparation for the Race For Life coming up in 3 weeks on Clapham Common. I am walking in memory of my beautiful Mother, Joan Helena Small, whom we lost from this life last September. The cancer which took her was agressive & horrible & I don't want others to suffer the loss of their own beloved family member the way we lost our wonderful Mummy! I am also walking for my amazing Auntie, Jean Stagg, who fought breast cancer, went into remission, then had a reoccurance of cancer, this time in her lungs & bones, & fought it - living life every day - for 18 months until she passed away just 2 weeks after Easter this year. She & I were also close & it's been a blow losing her so soon after Mum. If anyone wishes to sponsor me in this worthwhilte cause, online donations can be attributed to my efforts at: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/meredithsmall1108?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=newsfeed&utm_campaign=editpage  If you're a UK taxpayer you can also chose to "gift aid" your contribution which allows the charity to claim a further amount in a tax break from the government,

With my gorgeous cousin, Siobhan, after the Race for Life, last May

Anyway - while I prepare for this & ponder my reasoning, and perhaps my sanity, I shall try to keep you up to date... A migraine last night left me feeling not-so-much like walking today, but I'll see how I fare later in the afternoon!

Thank you for joining me! ~Mem x x x